The Dada-Haus

Something from Dec. 10th 2010 10:50pm @ a Bar "Going to Find jesus, if he happens to be at the Bottom of a bottle of Jameson, so be It."

2012-01-18T20:00:00.000-08:00

Johnny are you wasted again?
No Sir, I drink like a man.
Just because my heart aches,
My balls you don't have to break.

Just another child of wonder,
Lost to the neon light.
Prepping himself for a winter fight.

You're a lonely man Johnny,
When are you going to give in?
When the time comes,
You'll be aware of my sins.
I'll shout them on high, from the mountain tops.
A New Year's resolution before the ball drops.

I'll ask you again (Johnny) what do you drink for?
I drink in self defense,
And for the comfort of my floor.

2011-03-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

Had a lot of ideas for things to write about, but, apparently when you don't have anything to drink all those ideas fight for attention. Therefore I cannot focus on one idea write now. Apparently if I could have got a drink in the most important idea i.e. the strongest to stick out while the others drowned would be the topic of conversation right now.

Maybe tomorrow.

I guess I wrote A Poem tonight...

2010-12-07T20:52:00.000-08:00

Johnny comes lightly with the foothills in tow,
On to the Northland with it's winter and snow.
Basking in in the lights of the midnight street,
Smoke filled grin to the people he meets.
Frosty breathe on the ears of the drunkards,
Hearty laughs of the sullen and wayward.
Another fire raised to the lips,
Another tale walks by with sex in her hips.
A can goes pop as it's set on the mahogany,
Stained with rings and ash of gray.

Walking the streets, salted slush filling his shoes,
Another desperate heart with something to prove.
Ghosts or is it the spirits that fill the mind?
Everyone means well in kind.
Words of expertise, taken in jest,
He knows they are just like the rest.
Lost and lonely, lonely and lost,
They all come together ponying up the cost.
Taken by some, left by less,
Judging a character to be better than the rest.

How high can a pedestal go,
When you're surrounded by mountains, or be it snow?
Shit in one hand, and bleed from the mouth,
Mistaking a feeling and having to go south.
Back home where there is sober solitude,
When really it's closet drinking, while you brood.
What should have been said and what should have been done,
Carrying on a dream, a hope, a lie, a war that could never be won.
Lines where drawn so long ago the traffic has buried them deep,
The only remnants that come is when you can finally get to sleep.
After nights of wondering and a swollen chest,
Believing those that say it was for the best.

Another day and another place,
Looking for a little of that saving grace.
Spending time, hours, days and weeks,
Trying to find what common man seeks.
History seems forced to repeat,
Even with reviewing every lesson,
While walking the salted, slush filled street.
Mistakes of the past seem to find their way,
To arrive at the present pushing judgment & sobriety out of it's way.

Johnny seems so serious and determined with every step,
But could be knocked down with a simple vision, or any memory that crept.
As Bukowski predicted the fog has come back in,
But without the sun to burn it off,
It could lead to moral sin.
If Johnny had weights and measure to set his life,
He could a lead his way without the break and strife.

Another window in the glass house,
Where God closed a door, with a forceful "Get out!"
Behind Johnny as he softly made his way down the stoop,
With nothing but old country songs in his mind playing on a constant loop.
He thought maybe he should just step up his game,
Climb up those foothills and shout her name.
Get involved, off the sidelines and suit up,
But how can a man leave his pack when he is still a pup?

Keep your mouth shut Johnny is all that resonates,
A flip of the phone to see the time, and is that really the date?
Where has the time gone let alone his pace,
Standing alone at last call just trying to save face.
If you see her, say hello,
If you're nice to her you may get out with your soul.
Although,
We all know the truth Johnny,
That was lost a lone time ago at that last bar with all your money.
Funny.

How many more lines can we spin,
About your misfortune?
With a sad bastard here and a another cigarette,
Why not a few more lines about regret.
Do you remember how she looked in the morning?
Rolling over and seeing her face was so much more soothing then the alarm clock's ring.
And when it did ring it let you know where you were,
Buried deep in a woman's hair.
Holding tight to something so soft and so warm,
For a moment not feeling ache or harm.

Oh those were some days Johnny, days of the past,
And you were willing to do anything to make them last.
So many times you tried to recreate, with this girl and that,
Only to fall short, out of your lungs nothing but a gasp.
If only you could have been another man or beau,
Maybe then you could have let her know.
Even when you tried, it was not the time,
She had others running through her mind.
The race you ran was short but hard,
A joker up her sleeve was the winning card.
The rules were set and the dealing done,
How many cigarettes can you make fill your lungs?
One after another outside the bar,
Longing for something that's not that far.

Just end it now, neither will be making their way back
People are weary and tired of this act.
So finish your glass and put yourself to bed,
Cause they will be looking to find a resting place in your foggy, by now drunken head.

New Song Written (finally, it's been too long) I'm happy with it

2010-04-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

"(The Night) Chippewa Falls"

Verse 1:
I left the two
Two Harbors
When the whiskey went dry
Packed my bags & moved west
Makin' my mom cry

Maybe I'll be back if she ever calls
But when that happens Is when Chippewa falls

Chorus:
When Chippewa falls
That river will run red
Finally putting to rest all these thougths
In my head

With one broken heart
And another lost cause
I'll come back Just to make sure Chippewa falls

Verse 2:
By now the lake's frozen over
And the ships are pulled in
Last that I heard
She's had someone move in

If she thinks I'll beckin' her call
That'll be the night that Chippewa falls

(CHORUS)

Verse 3:
With tears in your eyes
And a hand on your gun
Jesus can't save me
And there's no where to run

Stuck in a maze runnin' down these halls
The only way out is if Chippewa falls

(CHORUS)

The End

2010-04-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

Pretty sure one of the comps I made for the Rx contest is a mix of the most depressing songs I have and...I may have hurt something somewhere making it. Not sure where but I think I definitely hurt something.

now I look Like i'm A Scarecrow

2010-03-09T22:20:00.000-08:00

my Baby's So Vain She is Almost a Mirror, And The Sound of Her Name sends A Familiar Shiver down My Spi yi yi yi yi yi yi yiyiyi ine...

2010-02-04T22:41:00.000-08:00

It’s just a life story, so there’s no climax.

she once Belived in Every Story He had To tell

2010-02-03T21:22:00.000-08:00

"Crusoe" by Cinerama

"You can't start a sentence like that and not end it
You can't write a letter like that and not send it
If you look away again
i Might ask you to explain why
You haven't really told me anything
The silence when you hold me is deafening
You can't get a 'phone call like that and not tell me
You can't lie with him in our bed and not smell me
If you look away again
i Might ask you to explain why
You haven't really told me anything
The silence when you hold me is deafening"

Basically was my walking sound track for a long time. At the end she came back with this:

"If I was Young" The Raveonettes

"If I was young and you were too
Then I'm sure we'd run away
But life it takes twisted turns
Makes words hard to say
I've been here for too long
My traveling feet all worn down
I try to hide my tears in vain
Take a look a my eyes drown
And all I have is memories
Of a life I once held dear
And all the lights are out tonight
Oh how I wish I wasn't here"

What a cathartic week...so far. Oh what will tomorrow bring?
I was going to put some Leonard Cohen in or maybe 'Nebraska'...bu I think I'm going to put in "The Happiest CD Ever" made by a woman for me before I moved. The sarcastic title lends itsef to some of the most heart murmuring songs of my past. But I want it now. it will be a good lullaby. Maybe enticing dreams of what could have been. Although they seem to portray the worst, almost a see what could have happened.

Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself. "What fools these mortals be".

Must be February.

...i Remember you well In the Chelsea Hotel...

2010-02-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

Mmmm Mad Dog 20/20...not really pretty sure this is the worst shit I have ever had. And it's weak as hell. I've gotten more of a buzz taking robitussin when I was 9.

Going back reading emails and posts, which I can't believe some of the earliest are actually from 2001. Fucking 9 years ago. What the fuck is my problem? Fuck I was just a kid then. What the hell did I know about anything? No wonder I ran away from conflict and commitment and love. I'm sure I was scared shitless, hell I know I was. Of course I wouldn't have known how to express feelings or communicate. Problems arise, turn tale and run. Last thing I wanted to do then was argue like my parents did. Now I realize arguing can be an essential part to it. God there were some good times when it was good.

Pretty sure I'm just outright jealous now. Jealous she's happy and that I'm not. That she fell into someone so easily and I continue to sabotage myself, punishing myself for sins past. Maybe when I atoll enough that right one will walk through a hazy bar and the smoke from unfiltered cigarettes will waft into the shape of angel wings beckoning me to leave the bar stool that has the same comfort of my bed in the one room apartment. Waiting for her to tell me that I don't have to hurt anymore. But that's not going to happen either. I have to make an effort to search for that, which I have tried to do but I just make comparisons. What she's not, what I'm not. Then you make assumptions, accusations and that's when the insecurities come are known.

I don't like like starting over because it seems you always go back to the beginning to figure out how you got to the present. What got me here. Although I am thankful in the fact that I am here. I wouldn't be here without the years I spent before. That has to count for something.

Maybe its just the way the wires are crossed but there is some comfort in feeling this way. You know you still are alive, have emotion, desires, drive, it's when you can't see the light that it becomes scary. There was a time when I couldn't and I couldn't feel anything. Luckily others around me recognized that also and that helped me to realize it was time for a change. It's okay to slip back every once and awhile. At least it gives me a little fire, a little burn inside that makes me optimistic (or it could just be the Mad Dog)

Yeah I still love her, I love her memory. I'm sorry that its been the way it has. Almost going 3 years without saying one word at all to someone that you pine over...just drop an email on my part, a call, a letter, I know deep down it would send me 3 years back to square one. To where it would be why did I leave?

I wish I had the confidence to be who I wanted. To pursue things that deep down I know I can do. But I'm under the thumb, I really am under the thumb of my dad. I think that accounts for 60% of my internal conflict. 20% is her and 10% is just my own idiosyncrasy. Don't know why i needed to air that out but, seemed it should be said. I love him. But I feel what else do i need to do to feel accepted?

And Wendy, I love you too. I'm happy for you, congrats on your house, your steady job, your health, your love and happiness. I hope its what you have been wanting that I couldn't provide. That all doubt and frustration has left you. That with all my insecurities and indecision and leaving and coming back didn't make you hate me in hindsight or hate love.

You always said maybe years down the road...love always...never forget...favorite. Well maybe. But like you I can't wait either. Both of us were so young. But I'm sure neither will forget. I love the memories. And I'm sure they're not the only ones I will make, it gives me hope if it was done before it can be done again. And as the ones with you fade year after year ever so slightly, hopefully new ones will be replacing them.

Someday I'll learn, "like you would do for one you love".

smoking your ciggarettes talking over coffeee

2010-01-23T02:02:00.000-08:00

Tonight I wish could go back to before I knew better...by that I mean, there was a time before I was so engulfed in music I really liked listening to Jewel. That was the kind of girl I wanted to be with...the girl that wrote "Foolish Games" there's something about that song. Listening to it now seems like a girls playing it should be looking over Lake Superior, playing it for me in our living room. I don't know but thats where i am right now, Nostalgia...sweet christ whats wrong in my head.

She's no Neko Case but damn it she could have been something...

The Best song Lyrics i've Ever Heard...In Awhile anyway. I Need this CD.

2010-01-03T23:44:00.000-08:00

Hayes Carll-"She Left Me For Jesus"

WE''VE BEEN DATIN SINCE HIGH SCHOOL WE NEVER ONCE LEFT THIS TOWN
WE USE TO GO OUT ON THE WEEKENDS AND WE''D DRINK TIL WE DROWNED
BUT NOW SHES ACTING FUNNY AND I DONT UNDERSTAND
I THINK THAT SHES FOUND HER SOME OTHER MAN

CHORUS:
SHE LEFT ME FOR JESUS AND THAT JUST AINT FAIR
SHE SAYS THAT HES PERFECT HOW COULD I COMPARE
SHE SAYS I SHOULD FIND HIM AND ILL KNOW PEACE AT LAST
IF I EVER FIND JESUS IM KICKIN HIS ASS

SHE SHOWED ME A PICTURE ALL I COULD DO WAS STARE
AT THAT FREAK IN HIS SANDALS WITH HIS LONG PRETTY HAIR
THEY MUST THINK THAT IM STUPID OR I DONT HAVE A CLUE
ILL BET HES A COMMIE OR EVER WORSE YET A JEW

SHES GIVEN UP WHISKEY AND AH TAKIN UP WINE
WHILE SHE PRAYS FOR HIS TROUBLES SHES FORGOT ABOUT MINE
IM A GONNA GET EVEN I CANT HANDLE THE SHAME
WHY LAST TIME WE MADE LOVE SHE EVEN CALLED OUT HIS NAME

IT COULDA BEEN CARLOS OR EVEN BILLY ORTEZ
BUT IF I EVER FIND JESUS
HES GONNA WISH HE WAS DEAD AMEN

Chug-a-lug

2009-08-24T06:23:00.000-07:00

Story from my hometown paper yesterday entitled: Wisconsin has a reputation for drinking, but where is that leading?

By LIZ HOCHSTEDLER
liz.hochstedler@lee.net

Wisconsin and alcohol go together.

Like Georgia is known for peaches, Maine for lobsters and Florida for oranges, Wisconsin has a reputation for its breweries and drinking culture.

Alcohol is everywhere. Pick a city or town in the state, and you are liable to run into several taverns. Wisconsin boasts of nearly 60 breweries and brew pubs. Alcohol is served at almost every party, fundraiser, festival or get-together.

“That’s kind of our rap, our reputation, that we’re a state that uses a lot of alcohol,” said Tom Fuchs, director of L.E Phillips-Libertas Treatment Center in Chippewa Falls.

Alcohol consumption is woven deeply into Wisconsin’s culture. The state’s professional baseball team is named the Milwaukee Brewers. At music festivals, people can be seen playing drinking games at all hours of the day. At fundraisers — even those for children’s events and activities — beer is sold to generate extra money. At graduation parties, families share drinks with the new graduate to celebrate his or her success.

And on Sundays during football season, Green Bay Packer fans crowd area bars, sipping Bloody Marys and loading up on pitchers of beer at noon, while cheering on their team. Some taverns offer a two-for-one deal when the Packers make it into the end zone.

“We are a culture that drinking’s pretty expected and accepted,” said Chippewa County Public Health Nurse Carol Lendle.

The problem

Drinking can be a normal social activity. Many people drink responsibly, go home safely and never have trouble with alcohol. But overall, Wisconsin has many issues when it comes to drinking.

“Alcohol itself is not a problem. It’s our misuse of the alcohol that’s the problem,” said Pathways Director Pamela Radcliffe, who has been working with people having substance abuse problems for 14 years.

Wisconsin ranks No. 1 or near the top in several trouble drinking areas. The state has the highest rates of underage drinking, binge drinking and drinking among women of childbearing age (18-44 years old) in the United States, according to the 2008 Wisconsin Epidemiological Profile on Alcohol and Other Drug Use.

In 2006, 69 percent of Wisconsin adults — that’s two out of every three — reported they were current users, meaning they had consumed alcohol within the past 30 days, according to the same report. That compares to only 55 percent of people nationwide.

Wisconsin residents consumed 2.02 gallons of alcohol per person in 2005.

“We really have a prevailing attitude that alcohol is the fluid. It’s what we use to sort of loosen up the crowd in almost any environment,” Fuchs said.

While many people can stop drinking after one or two alcoholic beverages, it is clear that many Wisconsinites cannot.

Twenty-four percent of adults reported binge drinking within the past month when polled in 2006. Binge drinking is defined as five or more standard drinks on one occasion. A standard drink is 12 ounces of beer, 5 ounces of wine or 1.5 ounces of liquor.

“People are so accustomed to heavy drinking,” Lendle said.

The state also has the highest percentage of heavy drinkers at 8 percent, while the national average is 5 percent. Heavy drinkers are men who have more than two drinks per day and women who have more than one drink per day.

Though drinking initially only effects the user, others are put at risk when drinkers decide to drive while over the legal intoxication limit or choose to engage in other unlawful activities.

In 2006, 43,056 people were arrested for operating while intoxicated, and another 45,387 were arrested for violating other liquor laws. At least 1,678 people died that same year as a direct result of alcohol use.

Local issues

Chippewa County and the rest of western Wisconsin have nothing to brag about in comparisons with the rest of the state.

With 130 licensed taverns, a brewery, two large music festivals and dozens of events where drinking is featured prominently, Chippewa County’s 60,000-plus residents have many venues in which they can find alcohol.

“We rank even worse … than the state average,” Radcliffe said. “The western region actually has a higher incidence of underage drinking and binge drinking than the state average.”

Eighteen percent of adults age 18 and older in Chippewa County reported binge drinking over a three-year period.

The county had 746 OWI arrests per 100,000 people in 2006.

But it’s not just in the statistics, it’s in the headlines. Just two weeks ago, a man was killed when he was run over by a drunk driver, who was arrested for her third OWI offense.

Leonard D. Peil, 35, was arrested twice in one weekend recently — for his sixth and seven OWIs.

Frederick Rieper, 62, was sentenced in June to two years in jail after being convicted of his eighth and ninth operating while intoxicating offenses.

The examples could go on and on.

National notoriety

Wisconsin’s drinking culture is no hidden secret. Tourists flock to the state’s breweries for tours, and many people know beers such as Miller and Leinenkugel’s are made in Wisconsin. Once those tourists set foot in Wisconsin, many realize just how prevalent alcohol use is here.

Radcliffe said many people she’s talked to who live outside of the state are surprised by how much Wisconsinites drink, where they drink and why they drink.

Fuchs, a Minnesota native, said he’s heard the same thing, especially when it comes to accessibility of alcohol.

“We have a lot more opportunities to purchase alcohol,” he said. “We have less restriction on that.”

Minnesotans, for example, might be surprised to find alcohol inside gas stations and convenience stores or alcohol available for purchase at a liquor store on Sundays. Alcohol is not available at those places or times in our neighboring state.

Wisconsin’s drinking problem was brought to the forefront in November when one of the nation’s leading newspapers, The New York Times, sent a reporter here to chronicle Wisconsin’s liquor laws and habits. The state’s largest newspaper, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, devoted a five-part series to the subject, calling it, “Wasted in Wisconsin.”

Though those pieces have shared the state’s problem with the nation, little has changed in Wisconsin since then.

“We kind of have that attitude that that’s what we’re known for,” Fuchs said.

Reputations can be slow to change, and the same goes for legislation to toughen up laws dealing with problem drinkers. It seems as if there is more acceptance of the problems associated with alcohol than a desire to do something about them.

(Editor’s note: This is the first story in a four-part series exploring alcohol use in the area, its effects on drinkers and non-drinkers alike, and what’s being done to combat the problems it creates.)

Copyright © 2009 Chippewa Valley Newspapers

The best comment left was from this guy:
" Well, Wisconsin could secede from the union and join Canada. Not only would the USA then have a spotless alcohol record, but we in the Canadian province of Wisconsin would have free health care and a damn fine fishing season. Everyone would be happy. Problem solved. Please, don't thank me; I'm glad I could help out. "

www.chippewa.com

Mama They Try and Break Me...'Scuse me while I Tend to How I Feel

2009-08-15T02:57:00.000-07:00

I'm in love. It's been a long time coming and I can't be happier.

Der Holle Rache

2009-06-18T15:02:00.001-07:00

I love this woman:

Same woman, Erika in English version:

I Took a Walk Down a Road Its the Road I was Meant to Stay...

2009-06-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

So this is about where I was for...well, awhile, and if my name was Peter. (maybe a little bit is still there, at least there is a way to laugh at it, find the humor in it):

Not saying that I am feeling/doing a 100% better but, I am feeling a bit more optimistic than I have in a long time. I've been off work for a week and a half now, which has been nice. Am starting to get a little bored though. Sooo, I decided to try these online dating things with my spare time. Do not do eharmony, that is stupid. The questions suck, you can look at profiles but have to pay to be able to see the pictures even. And the cost is insane. So I tried Match.com which is a lot better, can see pics and profiles without paying. The only problem I have now is you can't see emails you get from matches unless you pay. I have 3 unread messages in my inbox right now, and no money to pay. It's a lot cheaper though $30 for a month. (eharmony was like $60 for a month.) So, I got a bunch of DVDs together to sell today. Hopefully I'll get enough, I didn't even pursue these people and I got emails, gives a good little boost to the confidence. Ok, so there was another one I joined TOTALLY FREE to do any emailing, searching etc. OkCupid.com. Not a lot of prospects, average age seems to be 23-26. Nice girls. Anyways, I took a shot and emailed the most interesting one to me and attractive, and holy shit she's emailed me back a couple times. Granted it's about music, but luckily I can talk about music. So that's where I am with that.

In other news, it looks like I'm going to head back to WI for most of July. I have a brother I haven't seen for awhile coming back from Kansas that first week, so it would be a long time since we had the whole family together. I'm planning on leaving the 6th and coming back the 28th.(I have to be back to see Dale Watson) So yeah, that's about 2 1/2 weeks in WI. Of course I'm going to have to go up north as well. It'll be a good thing though, I won't be as rushed, the weather will be a hell of a lot better. I should be able to excercise some demons I think. I'm not worried to run into Wendy. She's has her house now, and her douche boyfriend. If she's happy good for her. I really feel I have nothing to say to her. If I do it'll be hi, how are you and I'm out of there. This will be more of a trip of conclusion, because a lot of friends back there I just don't need to deal with anymore. I've done a lot of "maturing" in 3 years I think. (can you call it maturing?) I know what they're all doing, or have done. The exact same thing they were before I left. Going back last xmas I saw that first hand. I love them but, that's not my life anymore. It's taken me 3 years to figure that out, but better late than never. It's time to close that chapter on my life. And going back is going to be very cathardic I think. I'll have a lot of time to think, driving back, that's for sure.

Things I plan on doing in WI:
1. Seeing Friends and Family
2. Drive My Charger Around
3. Drink Old Style
4. Name Drop My Dad and Try to Hook Up With the Female Bartender at Timberlodge
5. Go to the Leinie Lodge
6. Go Fishing
7. Sing Karaoke at the Tomahawk Room
8. See Friends in Minneapolis
9. Go to Superior/Duluth
10.Get my Wurlitzer Organ
11.Get my Six Boxes of Vinyl
12.Eat A Lot
13.Drink Old Style, and Bring a Ton Back

Can't think of any more. So yeah, that's where I'm at for now.

Let the healing begin.

(funny that Wendy's nickname is Devilmama)

Looks like the Pain's Been Good to you, New Clothes and a Brand New Hairdo...and a New Bed too

2009-05-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

Got home and cracked a bottle after seeing Or, The Whale play at VAC with the Dead Acorn. Thought there would be a better selection at the Stinker but settled on something called 3 Blind Moose a chardonnay. Don't need to get that again. Of course look at the name should have known better off the bat.
Work is starting to wrap up now. Not sure what I'll be doing for the summer. Still will get a check, just not sure what to do for extra work...
So I decided as of the last 3 weeks to use the EAP we get as part of our benefits. That is Employment Assist Program. Basically I've been talking to a shrink the last 3 weeks. Since I get some free sessions to use at will why the hell not. Let the healing begin...
It's been good to get an outside opinion on some things.Basicaly I talk about my current situation and Wendy. I got to role play how to break up with a girl. That was surreal, I thought that only happened in 80's movies. I mean as i was sitting there I was thinking, is this really happening, I'm fucking role playing this out?
I'm thinking of writing a letter to Wendy...just a "hey, I hope your happy with what you're pursuing/wish you the best" type of thing. It may be a mute point by now but meh...
No really, this chardonnay sucks, but I'll keep drinking it of course...
I'm very very very lucky to have the Boise friends I do. I've thought recentally how I could be with nothing and left a couple years ago had I not met cool people...what's funny is I think my Duluth friends have left me for MIA. Mybe people do that all the time when people move, they're not around so they weren't here before. Or they are now a distant memory...I feel kind of betrayed by them, I miss them and I feel as though me leaving to better myself is now they're resentment towards me. They may not say anything but the silence speaks volumes. i could make an effort but when I try it seems to fall on deaf ears. I don't know, maybe I think the worst...okay I know I do cause that's what me and my therapist figures out. Just that, fuck...with how much communcation is in the world you can't reach out a bit? I knew these people for over 8 years, beause I left the "sancutary" of the Twinports, what do they think I have the attitude that I'm better than them? i proclaim my alliance to the midwest with a full heart but I also live here which is my home that welcomed me with warmer hearts than there climate wise and company wise. I worked hard to get where I was in the twinports, and it came not easy in Boise but i was lucky to find people without bullshit, because I was tired of bullshit. times I think of moving Boise, but I would miss my frineds in Boise more than I would Duluth/Superior. I feel secure my Boise friends would always be there. funny I trust people I've known 3 years i trust more than I do peopl I've know over 8 at least.
i thought of something today...the twinports are like Neverland in Peter Pan, no one grows up, they do the same thing everyday and are around the same people. But the big thing is no one grows up that's the conclusion I've come to. Maybe I miss some friends and just figure they don't miss me. Of course they have their own shit with being married and having kids and being friends with Wendy when they talked a bunch of shit about her but...hey i'm not bitter. i won't hold it against them. i'll just become everything they thougth they wouldn't become and show them that it is possible to get the fuck out of a shit hole and not worry about "oh am I gonna make it as os and so am I gonna be able to???" shut the fuck up live life and do soemthing. life's too god damn short and I hope at least i didn't fall to being a pussy when my time comes. god damn it!

I Started looking, Lookin’ from Dusk ‘til Dawn, For Ways that I Wouldn’t Miss You so Much, I even Bought a New Dress

2009-05-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

Kind of a surreal thing occured tonight. I was listening to my friends college radio show online that comes out of the Twinports. Wendy was in studio promoting her roller derby. I haven't heard her voice in exactly one year. Crazy thing is it didn't really bother me. The real thing that was weird was that I could barely recognize it. It didn't sound like her. i thought of requesting my old bands song for my friend to play, but why open that can of worms right?

That's all, just weird to hear her voice. Didn't sound like her. Wonder if she knew I was listening?

Crazy.

Sometimes you just need some Dean Martin...

2009-05-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

Danny MacAskill, This Guy is Awesome!

2009-05-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

Trying to rememeber what I know I should forget, Trying to forget her but I really haven't yet, Things go wrong things go Wrong

2009-04-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

It's another bottle of wine night. Well, I'm one glass in but learning from the past I can guess where it's going. I am glad this week is coming to an end. It has gone by fast again but there was a lot of work this week. Turned in my term paper tonight. Hopefully that will get me a decent grade.

Been doing a lot of thinking about current situations and I may be coming to some conclusions. Not sure how/where a current relationship is going. Okay have an idea just not sure how to go about it. Sounds like Wendy is coming close to getting a house in Duluth. Getting to the point where I don't feel like leaving the house. Mostly because I'm putting art up at Thomas Hammer again in June and I need to get my ass in gear and put some pieces together.

Yes facebook you can suggest being friends with Wendy all you want but I'm not going to do that. Why does facebook feel the need to taunt me? Doesn't facebook know I drink and at some point I'll be to drunk to realize that I would have requested to add her against my better judgement. And of course she would ad me back because she is the devil. Could that be a song? "Facebook why do you taunt me?" or at least a line in a song. Like facebook is out there like a crack dealer in an 80's say no to drugs commercial you see while watching Saved By the Bell on a Saturday morning when all you want to see is what new G.I. Joes toy they've come out with for the month but instead it's saying "come'on just try it, do it,it'll make you feel good..." Uh no it won't make me feel good. A crack habit would probably be easier to kick than what I've put myself through. The internet can be a pain in the ass sometimes...

Other times I think I just have to realize I'm no longer a part of the Twinports. Life has so moved past what I hold it to be. Maybe its homesickness but I don't think it is. I just want answers, I want things laid out for me. I want to enjoy what I do have. I want to find what will make me happy. In the words of Freddie Mercury "I want it all..." or "I want to break free..." either or.

That's all I got...I'm going to bed.

Uh...yeah...

2009-04-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

Picture can be worth 1000 words...

Sweetheart Come

2009-04-15T22:25:00.000-07:00

"Come over here, babe
It ain't that bad
I don't claim to understand
The troubles that you've had
But the dogs you say they fed you to
Lay their muzzles in your lap
And the lions that they led you to
Lie down and take a nap
The ones you fear are wind and air
And I love you without measure
It seems we can be happy now
Be it better late than never
Sweetheart, come...
To me"
~Nick Cave

She Knew it was all Over, When she Turned Her Back on Her Used-to-Been

2009-04-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

Well, sitting here again with another bottle of wine and Spain playing. Don't get Yellow Tail's Pinot Grigio. Not that good. But I'll drink it. Stick with the Shiraz. Purple or pink label both are good.

Jesus, what is it? Maybe its just me, okay really probably just me, but damn there's something somewhat cathartic about throwing yourself into the belly of the beast. Some clarity comes from it I swear. It's a meditation of sorts. Play over scenarios, put on Spain, have a couple drinks. Maybe that's just one way of coping for myself. I guess it's always been that way. Even as a kid, worry, get anxiety over it. After doing that so long I think 1. I've learned how to deal with somethings on my own, but also 2. I sometimes just need that feeling. Wendy always said "Sometimes I think you like to be depressed." Not that I'm depressed right now but when you have a feeling so long, and not used to feeling another emotion as often, you look to feel what's comfortable. Recognizable. Just feeling emotion period. Spend your life doing the same thing, or trying to keep emotions out of work, and not take work home with you, you need come up with your own maybe. Just to feel balanced...

God damn what happened to me, looking back on other posts I used to be able to rant. I can't even think about a thing to rant about. Can it be I'm not that angry anymore? I know that's not true but what I would be angry about doesn't deserve a blogging rant about. I haven't been scorned by girls as of late. Of course I would have to be out an about to do that which I have been lacking in.

....................................................................

Fuck. You know, if it comes out that Wendy gets engaged to the douche she's with, then I may loose my shit. That may produce better material.

And I'm Found too Fast, called too fond of flames, and then I'm Phoning My Friends, and then I'm Shouldering the Blame

2009-04-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

So let's just cut to the chase then. Wendy has gone and got herself a facebook, which is fine. I went and got myself a bottle of wine(there's a song there if I ever heard one, right Tony?). The shitty thing is that we have all the same friends. I guess I shouldn't say that's shitty. It's just something unfortunet as result. Hell I haven't talked to her in what will be a year as of this week I believe. ANYWAYS-seeing photos of her on her boyfriend's myspace I cna see she is really happy, I can tell cuz she looks the way she does in photos of us together. If she's happy then fine, I'm the one that left, I'm the one that put her though an up and down relationship(for the most part). If she's happy then what right do i have to be bithcin. I mean christ who pines this long over a girl that wasn't a wife that died tragically. I don't even think it's pining, I just didn't get closer, more of an abrupt stop/retaliation.

So I had a pause from that last line I wrote...probably a good hour or so. I spent that time chatting with a friend on facebook. A friend pretty close to Wendy. And since I had a bottle a wine of course I had to ask if she was happy. Without any detail. She said yes she was. That's good. good for her. She deserves to be. I didn't get some answers i was hoping for but, I don't think I needed them. i live here now and need to keep focused on that. If she wanted to be here she would, and I could have gone back there if I thought it so prudent.

i think about her a lot but in a way just...does she have any feeling at all left? If so would it matter? Most of me thinks no. Ugh. Just a lot of what ifs and unanswered questions. Like any other relationship it seems. It was good talking to my friend tonight. Since I don't think we had ever been that close but the fact that we could talk more than any of my other friends from there kind of pisses me off. Although they probably don't want to talk about what I would anyway right? They put up with that for long enough.

Note to self, buy two bottles of wine just incase. One bottle isn't good enough anymore.

Ugh...time for bed, and clearer thoughts. It was good talking to an old friend. That's the important thing tonight I guess.

Yet Another New Flavor

2009-04-01T20:33:00.000-07:00

Things just got better.

a Dream Awaits in Aisle Number Two

2009-03-26T23:15:00.000-07:00

Today I drove to Baker City, OR. It was a beautiful day for a beautiful drive. That's really all I have to report. The biggest thing today was I bought a new guitar and I absoulutley LOVE it.

I don't Like that Mirror

2009-03-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

Trying out my new tripod. I was bored...and I wanted to see these with a black background.

I Had My Good Eye to the Dark and My Blind Eye to the Sun

2009-03-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

Well I just got back from my day long voyage of going to Balanced Rock. It was pretty interesting. Sure it would have been better had the weather been nicer, oh well. It was a good drive and I got some okay pics. After going to the rock I went to the Idaho Youth Ranch in Buhl, found myself some things of interest for only $2.97 total. After that I went to Twin Falls to see what that place was like and to get some food. Ate at a place called Idaho Joes. Not bad food. Went to a couple thrift stores but found nothing. Apparently the only good thing in Twin Falls to do is turn around and leave. So yeah that's what I did today.

Oh, and yesterday I went to Idaho City. I forgot to mention that in the last post. Alas, I don't have any pictures from that trip. It was a really pretty drive though. And I did have the best Huckleberry Cheesecake ever, stopping there for lunch. So, I have gone outside of Boise the last 3 days. I wonder where I should go tomorrow? Weather permitting hopefully someplace cool.

Arcane Offices Delivering Deluxe Information

2009-03-24T23:55:00.000-07:00

So I went to the Bruneau State Park, yesterday. Just a little background info for those not familiar: Located south of Mountain Home, ID outside of Bruneau,ID. Bruneau Dunes state park is home to the several large sand dunes and a small lake. The park is the site of North America's highest single-structured sand dune which is approximately 470 feet (140 m) high.

So yeah that tall dune. I climbed to the top of the bitch on one of the windiest days ever. But it was a lot of fun and I got some sweet photos.

I got more photos but I'm too impatient right now to be uploading one at a time. They need to get this so it goes faster.

Tomorrow I am either going to Balance Rock outside of Twin Falls, or I am going to Ketchum to see Hemingway's grave site. Not sure yet. Maybe both.

Good night and good luck.

Those Clouds Bring Heavy Heavy Rain

2009-03-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

This is the video I was telling Warren about last night. Great song and probably the best homemade music video I've ever seen.

Look What's Made it to the Stores of Boise

2009-03-10T21:22:00.001-07:00

Pretty damn tasty!

I'm a Rocket Man

2009-03-01T08:48:00.000-08:00

Something fun to keep within the spirit of the DADA-HAUS. Please welcome, David Fonseca.

So, the Factory Girl She Listens

2009-02-24T20:49:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it's Spring or what...the way the air smells, the way the area looks free of snow, seeing the sun, seeing neighborhoods that look like what I remember, it's something. It's something around here that reminds me of Duluth. It's either it reminds me of it or I am forcing myself to find Duluth in these things. I don't know which it is.

There's a road that goes along the nor'shore of lake Superior that looks a lot like Warm Springs if you drive down it. It's somewhat surreal. Anytime I go down it, I feel if I looked far enough I should be able to see the Lake. If I go a mile the other way I should be able to go into Pizza Luce. But it's not the case. I don't think what I'm feeling is homesickness, I don't want to live back in the midwest. At least not anytime soon. I think I'm just missing the past. Back in the Northland you couldn't wait for weather like this to come about. Not that people here aren't excited but maybe I am just a bit more. I like biking in Febuary. I like the rain. Maybe the locals are just not that thrilled by it. I don't know. Maybe it's just that I've been thinking about too much of the past.

I've been thinking of the past too much. I know that's the problem. It's only been three years, that's normal right. Maybe my mom was right, maybe I should have seen her while I was home...maybe getting on facebook seeing a lot of people from the past just brought up old memories. Sometimes I wonder if I did just runaway. But, I don't regret my decision, I'm happy here, I just hate the what if...there's a lot of what if. There's also a lot of beer in my fridge. That's not the answer either however. That used to be the answer, unfortunetly getting those answers is like cheating of the kid that eats paste in school.

Ugh, I'm just going to go to bed. Tomorrows another day.

Burning the Church house Down

2009-02-24T17:18:00.000-08:00

One of three things I could do tonight, 1. Finishing cleaning the apt, watch The Office on TBS and go to bed early. 2. Listen to Alt. Country, drink the twelve pack of Alaskan Amber in my fridge, get online line and see what kind of things I can write about. 3. Combine the two, clean, drink Alaskan Amber, keep Alt. Country on, watch The Office then go online and write.

Here's to Fat Tuesday.

You Got Me Hating Things I Used To Love to Do

2009-02-23T20:58:00.000-08:00

So I've been listening to an alt country station and found a great artist I need to get cds of, Rex Hobart & The Misery Boys. Great stuff. The song I heard is "It Won't Be Long(And I'll Be Hating You)". Awesome.

I was a short fuse, Burning all the time, You were a complete stranger, Now you are mine

2009-02-17T19:19:00.000-08:00

So, apparently my mom doesn't like to tell me when things are wrong. Talking to her this weekend she didn't sound overly great and kind of passed me off on to my dad. So, today when I talked to my dad I asked if she was feeling alright, he said he took her to the ER on Friday night. It wasn't serious, she gets these rapid heart things, and of course it makes it worse worrying about it. They did an EKG and didn't find anything I guess. I'm sure she didn't want me to worry but I rather know something is wrong than finding out later, or if it was too late. UGH!

ANYWAYS-on a lighter note. Had a long weekend which was pretty tame. Went to dinner with Mackenzie Friday night. Megs, Warren, and Mackenzie's friend Staci and her friend John went too. Saturday Just laid around the apt and was lazy. Didn't get to have Valentines cause Mackenzie had class and her son that night. Which was fine, I got a big nap in, saw a few people at the pub, called it an early night.
Sunday was band practice. Getting ready for a big show at Terrapin Thursday night. Saw Mackenzie for a bit that night after practice. For Valentine's I got her a build-a-bear. It was cute, I gave it a white t-shirt and jeans and a little guitar. I named it Strummer. (get it) Also I made her a Valentine's mix tape. I think I did pretty good on it. This is what it consisted of:

1. "My Funny Valentine" Elvis Costello
2. "There is a Light That Never Goes Out" The Smiths
3. "These Arms of Mine" Otis Redding
4. "Valentine's Day" Bruce Springsteen
5. "Beautiful Girl" Pete Drodge
6. "1-2 Crush on You" The Clash
7. "I Think She's Starting to Like Me" The Queers
8. "Valentine" The Get Up Kids
9. "Fade Together" Franz Ferdinand
10."Valentine's Day" Steve Earle
11."You Mean Everything" Drivin' N' Cryin'
12."I Believe..." Stevie Wonder

So yeah, she likes when I give her new music to listen to.

*Random Side note: I did stumble onto a second roller derby vid on Sat morning, that kind of sucked. but after a couple beers and my long nap I did feel better and still do. I think.

ANYFUCK-Work this week then the show. Looking forward to it.

You Will Know, with Her Feet Down to the Ground

2009-02-12T22:46:00.000-08:00

Seems that roller Derby in Duluth is doing something and are having videos now. Good for them, but that does mean Wendy is/will most likely be in them. So far the one that's out, she's only in for a second. I thought I would feel like I got socked in the stomach, but it wasn't that bad. I did crack a beer though...and I may have watched one cure video. I don't think I'll go into to total relapse to where it looks like the pic above. I don't really feel anything, just very Switzerland, you know, neutral.(or is it Sweden?)

ANYWAYS-What's below should be the only time you see this. If not we're going to need more beer.

To be Someone (Didn't We have a Nice Time)

2009-02-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

I really like having the internet.

Humans Remain Human Remains

2009-02-07T11:58:00.000-08:00

Show at the Lux last night.

Red Fang was amazing.

Great show, great guys.

For Patches

2009-02-05T20:33:00.000-08:00

Got a couple boxes from my folks this week. Dad put something extra in to have at the apt.

You DON'T Choose the Music the Music CHOOSES You(Part 2)

2009-02-04T20:59:00.000-08:00

The songs "Off He Goes" and "Nothing Man" were what made me just stop and say, "That's it, I've been wrong for the last 8 years. I am now a Pearl Jam fan." (Incidently the somg "Off He Goes", for some reason is a sing I want to sing to my kids when if I ever have them, as a lullaby. I don't know why but that's what i picture myself doing. I always have gotten that feeling from that song.) From that point I submerged myself with pearl jam. When I got to Wausau I made a point of stopping at a record shop there, and picking up I believe the Yield, album, it could have been Ten, but I'm certain it was Yield. Actually I know it was because withing two days I went out and bought Ten. Then, within a week and a half after, when I got paid again, I had all the albums.

By mid summer, I had grown tired of being back in Chippewa. Really I just wanted to be back in Superior, that way I would be closer to the girl that would soon be making her way back to the mid-west. So two weeks after the fair was over, where I had been working for my dad, I got a call from a friend that a position working for the University had opended up and I could work the rest of the summer there and live free in the dorms. Sounded great to me. No curfew, enjoy the rest of the summer on Lake Superior, sounded great to me. So I packed up and headed back North, the Pearl Jam cataloge spread across the passanger seat of my truck. Now I had stayed in some email contact with this girl of the Pacific Northwest, but it was hard since my parents didn't own a computer and going down the street to use my sister's was always available. But, it didn't matter because we were going to be able to catch up when she got back to school.

Well the summer went by and towards the end she had called me and I could tell there was something a miss. We didn't talk often on the phone but when we did she always sounded happy. This time she was more subdued. Basicaly she informed me that she wasn't coming back to Superior and transfering to a school in Ohio to play division one hockey. I kept it together and wished her the best of luck, and said all the things your supposed to like, we'll always be friends, I be sure to visit, I love you etc. Needless to say I cried myself to sleep that night. Everything I built up in my mind was gone, all the planning, the potential. I put in Pearl Jam and played all the slow sad songs I could. Like the songs were going to tell me the next step to take. I probably thought they were, moslty they reminded me of what was lost, "Better Man", "Black", "Off He Goes", "Wishlist", "Nothing Man". Pearl Jam became to me what The Cure, and The Alkaline Trio would be come for others. Those bands too became those bands for me down the line but that's another long story. Although my roomate did pick up on my moods by the music I was listening to, he became very intune with that. For awhile he knew if Pearl Jam was playing or the cds had been out he knew I was depressed or thinking of forementioned girl. Or, a girl that came and replaced her, but had the same affect. And that girl wasn't even Wendy. He would later tell me, I knew when you needed your time, it was when you had Pearl Jam on. He was right.

Thanks to Pearl Jam though it started me appreciating more music and delving into the history of bands and where there influences came from. From PJ I learned about The Who and Neil Young. I opened myself to the whole Seattle/Grunge genere. Temple of the Dog, Mother Love Bone, Malfunkshin, The Melvins, Soundgarden, Mudhoney and even Nirvana. They had rerun the Nirvana Unplugged on MTV, and I was watching it in the dorms. There were side interviews discussing Cobain. Talking how, did he know it was the last of his life? Something happend while watching that, Kurt's expressions while playing and witnessing his emotion he put into the songs. It gave me the feeling of, "I did it again, I judged too quick. For that I missed the Nirvana experience". So I did what I did with Pearl Jam, but up Nirvana cds and palyed catch up. I bought unplugged first. Then Bleach. I didn't by Neverind till maybe a year or two later, I had a burnt copy but didn't listen to it much. I like the meloncholy unplugged album, and the raw/rock of Bleach. Those are my two favorites.I like Nirvana, but I like Pearl Jam more. I can appreciate both equally. And, I understand a little better why those people were upset when Kurt died. They didn't all have the same reasons for being upset, but I think I understand most of them.

The funny thing is, the girl from Seattle, years later came out as a lesbian. That would have probably saved me a lot of heart ache. But, I probably wouldn't have ever listened to Pearl Jam or a lot of other bands because of it.

If I had Known Then, What I Know Now
~Pearl Jam Live on Two Legs "Red Mosquito"

You DON'T Choose the Music the Music CHOOSES You(Part 1)

2009-02-03T20:04:00.000-08:00

I can remember the first time I heard "grunge" music. It was at a Valentine's Day dance at Notre Dame Middle School in Chippewa Falls, WI. I was in the sixth grade which would have made it 1991. I remember walking into the gym and Smells Like Teen Spirit was playing from where the DJ was set up. I remeber some of my friends but mostly the 7th and 8th graders going ballistic about it. Apparently they heard the song a few times before.

For being the first time I heard this and just in the early stages of finding my musical tastes, I initially loved Smells Like Teen Spirit. With having sight unseen of the band or reviews, it was a rocking song, great riff, harsh vocals, and it gave a sense of I could like this because my parents would hate it. That was my first interaction with the genre. Then came the video. I still liked the song, but didn't hold it in the regard of it being beginning of the end of music as my 11 year old ears knew it. I mean I was shooting hoops in my best friends driveway thinking I was the coolest thing listening to Faith No More's Epic, and Public Enemey's Apocalypse '91. That's all I needed besides a little Skid Row and Motley Crue's Dr. Feelgood, thrown in to mix it up and feel badass.

With not having MTV(My parents had it taken off the cable package. And this is before being able to block chanels, they had to call the company to get it off, I could probably credit that move with my lagging behind in music, and listening to what I was, though I have no regrets)ANYWAYS- with not having MTV, I got my musical influences from friends at school. The first step was Iron Maiden. My friend Kip was really into Iron Maiden, most likely because of his way cooler than us older brother who was a big 8th grader. I grew up with Kip and his brother Chris. My sister-in-law used to baby sit all of us during the summer when me and Kip were four to five. Chris and they're older sister Becky would be watched with us on Fridays for some reason I don't remember. The main point I'm trying to get to was Kip and Chris were into Iron Maiden. The only thing I knew of Iron Maiden was all the years spent going to the county fair my dad owned, and seeing the posters and glass mirrors you could win by throwning darts at balloons. All depicted album covers of the band, or the legendary Eddie involved in some gruesome scene. (My first glass mirror I won had Spud Mackenzie on it) Kip said I needed to hear them so he let me borrow his brothers collection of Iron Maiden tapes. Yes tapes, remeber those? Chris had every album. They were all in a red tape cassete case. I remeber getting it home, making sure my folks didn't notice it, because they would definetly not aprove of the cover art. When it was time to go to bed I got the case out and opended it. Before my eyes laid in organized rows, was a library of metal. Picking which tape to lose my Maiden virginity too was stressful, which do I start with, Kip gave me no guidence on that. He probably said they're all good. Which they are, but, you wouldn't go into a brothel and just say give me what evers available. Maybe YOU would but, I'm saying you have to at least see what they look like right. Find something that suits you. Whether it be her eyes, dress she has on, you have to do that with your first Maiden album, you want songs about the devil, WWII, or having a fear of the dark? Going through the tapes was tough, I didn't want to start with Number of the Beast, because of my Catholic schooling. I thought I'd go to hell right there my bed room if I listened to it.

I got to Power Slave, that's the one with Eddie made into an Egyptian sphynx like character. I got out my walk man, put in side one and laid back in my bed, the first song that came out is Aces High. That's all it took I was hooked from there. The hook of the intro, Bruce Dickinson's vocals, and the story of WWII fighters pilots what more could an 11 year old need. Needless to say the tracks kept getting better from there and I couldn't get enough of the album. even though I went through some of the others I would stop and go back to Powerslave, because I didn't know when I'd hear it again after I gave the tapes back. Of course that didn't last long because I went out and bought Powerslave first chance I had the money. And being it's one of the more tame covers, my parents didn't mind. Seventh Son of a Seventh Son and Number of the Beast, was a little tougher. My dad didn't care too much for the cover of Live After Death either.

The reason I bring Iron Maiden up when I'm trying to write about Grunge is this, this is all I was listening to when this "movement" started. And it was a movement. In the words of Tommy Lee Jones in Under Siege "Yes, of course! Hence the name: movement. It moves a certain distance, then it stops, you see? A revolution gets its name by always coming back around in your face. You tried to kill me you son of a bitch... so welcome to the revolution." All that was in my Sony boombox player was, Maiden, Creedence and a Led Zeppelin. Then around the 7th and 8th grade came the Doors phase. Which apparantly ever early teen male goes through from what I gather. Some last longer than others. Mine may have gone a year longer than it should have but I digress. Okay maybe a couple years longer. Yes I had Jim Morrison's books of poetry, and like 5 doors t-shirts, in highschool. Funny I've never smoked pot in my life ever. I'm still stunned.

So yeah, all that kept me from the Seattle scene. The other reason the music I was listening to kept me away was I didn't like all the attention grunge was getting. Here I am listening to what the basis for some of it was and I didn't like that it wasn't getting it's credit. Not that I knew if it was a basis or not. I just thought, "Hey, the music I like is older more experienced, who are you guys from Seattle to come in here and discredit what's been laid out." Even though what had been laid out had slowly evolved into hair metal. I also was very angry at Eddie Vedder. Maybe not so much him but the writers comparing him to Jim Morrison. Being in my Doors phase, I was all "No way is there another Morrison. Who does this guy think he is." God I was an idiot then. Thing is I probably hated that comparison as much as Vedder did. Probably for different reasons then but we both still hated it right? So all those factors just made me lump grunge into one big category of fuck this noise. The radio is saturated with this Seattle sound and everybody is buying it up. Everyone in school began getting flannels just like everyone else in the country. Although not a fan of the music I of course needed to fit in. So, my mom got me a flannel. A black and purple one. Purple. Not like a cool faded rock purple with some blue to off set it, if there was a color electric purple this was it. I looked like a gay lumber jack. But I loved that thing. Looking back it was ugly as sin, but at the time I thought I was fitiing in and cool shit. That's about as far as it went. I guess I did like Soundgargen a bit, if I had to pick a band that I did listen to from that genre at the time. Blackhole Sun was a good song, but it was the video I that impressed me. Guess it was a clue to the path I would be going. When Kurt died I felt nothing. I didn't know their music that well, I didn't care for the people that did like it, and for the life of me, I was probably to young but, just didn't undestand the big deal. Rock stars died all the time.

So lets jump the time line a bit. Through high school got turned on to NOFX, Rancid, various rap, Green Day and Danzig.(although with living in a small town with no musical input I would find out about the Misfits till much later, ie college let alone that Glen Danzig was the lead singer) Going to college brodened me quite a bit but early on it was slow. Rap became the more predominate music I listened too. That's what all the other white kids from small towns were listening to in the dorms, so that's what I had to go by. Oh and Limp Bizkit. Also the pop/bubble gum punk was getting huge at that time also is Blink 182, New Found Glory etc. There was one kid on my dorm floor, Tom. Who was a huge Pearl Jam fan. He would be blaring it all the time. Nothing had still grabbed me and I'd give him shit about listening to it. One because he would get so fired up about it if you said anything bad about Pearl Jam, and two cause I still had this weird chip on my shoulder about grunge. Looking back it's like who the hell was I, I didn't even bother to listen to the sutff.

ANYWAYS-One day I hear a song that intrigues me. Even though I would on occasion flip the guy shit Tom and I were friends. Out of his room was playing the song "In Hiding" by Pearl Jam. Yield had just come out that year. Not knowing anything about their songs, I thought it was a cover of Badfinger's "Day After Day", to me the guitar parts seemed very similair. They are but they aren't, you need to listen for yourself. Listening to that song started the ball rolling. I didn't run out and by Yield, that would come later. I liked that one song and that was enough for me. I never really thought about grunge much after that because after Kurt died the grunge circus seemed to pack the tents up. Gangsta rap, nu-metal, and boy bands were the new flavor of a new generation. I wasn't realy focused on anyone kind of music, just listening to what everyone else was, whatever was popular. I was really liking Outkast's Aquemini album, I remeber that.

Things took a turn after I met a girl second semester, my freshman year of college. She was on the womens hockey team. She was the first girl I fell in love with at the college level. I guess that's how I'd word it? She was an amazing friend, just the perfect person, and, she was from Seattle. Not that we talked about music all that much but she was from Seattle. She like Pearl Jam, Nirvana, all that. We never listend to any though. She was more into hip hop and the stuff that was popular. So like I said I fell head over heals for this girl, we hungout all the time. Nothing ever happend though. I mean when we were together. I never made a move, I never told her how I felt. Well that's not true. The last night of being the dorms we stayed the night together because I was taking her to the airport the next day in Minneapolis. 2 hour drive just me and her and I can tell her all about how I feel. Of course I wasn't going to do that. I had everything written out in a letter and give it to her before she got on the plane. you know just like in the movies. And that's just what I did. See back then you could go with the person right up to the gate. We hugged, cried and she had my letter in hand. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and she borded. I got an email from her a couple days later and it said how she cried again when she read my letter on the plane, and that she really liked it, and, when she came back the next year we would pick up where we left off. I thought great, just got to make it through the summer. So, when I got back to Chippewa that first year out of college. I decided to go on a road trip by myself for the day. I think stopped somewhere to buy a CD first. I specifically went in looking for a Pearl Jam cd, because that was as close I could be to Seattle, and if that made me feel close to Seattle that would make me feel close to her. So I went into I think Shopko and bougth Pearl Jam Live On Two Legs. One because it had "Given to Fly" on it which was another song I thought was good, and two because it was live and if I'm gonna buy a cd for one song it might as well be live because who knows, I could like some of the others. I mean, a live cd is essentially going to be like a greatest hits album, right?

So I got the album, poped it into my trucks player, and drove to Wausau. Holy Shit! The first song is Corduroy, which is a good rocking song, it grabs your attetnion for never really hearing Pearl Jam. Then comes "Given to Fly" live it just has some good raw emotion that I remember when I first listened to it gave me chills. All the songs are good on it but you got to remeber my mind set at this time. I'm spending a whole summer waiting for school to start so I can see this girl that's 1600 miles away. So by the time the middle of the cd has played through which includes "Untitled", "Off He Goes" and "Nothing Man" I had tears in my eyes missing this girl driving in a hot, clear summer day, by myself in a white ford ranger. Especially the song "Untitled" on the album. It was everything I felt at that moment on that highway. It was like somehow, the sound track for my life found its way into my head and my hands at the store. This is what I was supposed to be listening to.

I got a car, I've got some gas
oh let's get out of here
get out of here fast
everyone's confused
so i stay in my room
if i go i dont want to go alone

I hope you get this message
or you're not home
I could be thare in 10 minutes or so
i got my things
we make it up as we go along
with you i could never be
alone

Doesn't get more convincing then that.

+++Okay, this is where I'm going to break. I need to go to bed since I've been writing for an hour an a half and need to get some sleep. Part two will come tomorrow.

December Boys got it Bad.

2009-01-27T21:40:00.000-08:00

I got myself a computer last Friday.

The internet becomes available this Friday after 5pm...

You've been warned.

*Also my band is playing at Gustos(attached to Mac & Charlies) tomorrow night. 9pm with Trigger Itch.

Won't You Tell Your Dad "Get Off My Back", Tell Him What We Said 'Bout 'Paint It Black', Rock 'n' Roll is Here to Stay

2009-01-21T17:56:00.000-08:00

So I decided to get out of the house for a bit and come down to BSU. I've been really good about not drinking on the weekdays since getting back. My weekends have been pretty mild. I think I've been in bed no later than 12:30 the last three weekends. The only thing is, add in inversion and no sun for the last few days I think one of three things are happening either a) I'm depressed b) I'm bored or c) I'm depressed.

Only I really have nothing to be depressed about. So that leads me to believe that the weather is making me lethargic and lazy.

I don't know...

The work week has been good so far. It's going by quickly which means the weekend will be here, which in turn means I can see MacKenzie.This girl is really great. If a girl will come over and be fine with ordering a pizza and watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and thinking the movie is funny; That's works in my book. Now if she can handle The Aristocrats, that's the big challenge.

I made a mix cd for her and she said she liked it. When I was in her car last Friday night she had it in the player already. So that's a plus. I'm working on a valentines day one for her. I just need a couple more songs. It's hard finding happy songs when your cd collection is full of depressing, love loss and heartache songs. But, these are the songs I managed to put together for her first cd:

The White Stripes You're Pretty Good Looking (For A Girl)
The Arcade Fire Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)
Bruce Springsteen Tougher Then The Rest
Tonic Lemon Parade
Belle & Sebastian Your Secrets
The Smiths Ask
New Order Regret
Morrissey Moon River
Dusty Springfield Wishin' And Hopin'
The Ramones I Want You Around
Tom Waits (Looking for) The Heart of Saturday Night
John Frusciante Moments Have You
U2 Bad
Bruce Springsteen Better Days

I want to say there is one more track on it but I can't remember. I'm going to have to refer back to my notes. (that's going to bug me)

Also in the works is a summer cd for when school gets out, but that won't be ready till June. That's in the working stages. It'll be a good one though.

Well that's all I got for now. Back to the apt, cook supper and go to bed to face the new.

[UPDATE]: The missing track is by my friends band Cars & Trucks I've Been Thinking of You

Way Out West

2009-01-16T14:01:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm well aware its been 3 weeks since a post. Someone buy me a computer and they may increase. Actually, once semester begins I should be able to get back on track. ANYWAYS-
The midwest was very, very good. Two weeks of eating, hitting old stomping grounds, eating, and doing a lot of nothing. I think I got drunk all of once. I didn't hit the drinks like I thought I was. Mostly because I had to drive everywhere, and I wanted to remember my trip. Mostly I spent a lot of time at my parents house. Warren and Megs made it for New Years which kicked ass. Although me and Warren ate way too much prime rib therefore not being able to get drunk no matter how hard we tried. There's always next weekend. I did make it up to the North-Northland aka Dull Youth aka Suck Town. That was good though. Saw the people I needed too. Didn't run into Wendy what so ever which was even better. Not sure why people want to bring her up in conversation though. It's just, really? I moved to get away from this what makes you think I want to hear it. Aw well. Made peace with her now ex that came after me. He's a good guy, too bad that things got screwed up there. Short and long of it we both came to the conclusion a) we're better off without her and b) We wish we knew then what we know now.

So yeah. Made it back home safe and sound. Started the new job last week and that is also going good. Deffinetly different from what I was doing but I like it.

I did stay in contact with the girl while I was gone. I think there's some good potential here. We went out this last saturday to dinner then to the lux for the Rev. Peyton show. Had a really great time. She's a really good girl and am excited to see her this weekend.

That's about all I've been up to. Been reading a lot and trying to get new music with what little money I have.

Random things:
Listening to Big Star, and Pavement right now a lot. Loving it.
Chuck Klosterman and Rob Sheffield are amazing writers.
I want to take journalism classes and write good music articles.
I need a computer so I can write more and make killer mix tapes(cds)

I think I'm going to go home now do a bit of laundry, throw on the The Replacements "let it be" and wait till I can meet fore mentioned girl later this evening.

Well, the Weather Outside is Weather

2008-12-25T08:05:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Everybody!

The Dog Won't Bite if You Beat Him with a Bone, She's so Shy When She's Talkin on the Phone

2008-12-22T22:49:00.000-08:00

This is Wendy's new myspace heading: The ********* likes to go to the myspace Find User function, type in "Sexy" + any female first name & see what delusional, attention-starved chicks come up. It's fun! Try it!

Really? Cause I'm pretty sure you fall into that lump sum. I'm just saying.

And her boyfriend says this:"I gotz me no prob going fists-a-cuffs with a bar full of Jag-Offs............. "

Really? So sad. Whatever douche.

Johny 1 Wendy 0

Well if You Sit Down with this Old Clown, Take that frown and Break It

2008-12-21T21:38:00.000-08:00

So last night was the boys night out. Went out with the ol' school crew. Literally. Me and three other guys from high school. It's hard to get all of us together. One works night shifts usually, another has three kids, but last night was just a blast. I've missed that. Even though it snowed probably over 7 inches, it took me an hour to get into town instead of a half hour, and we managed to go to 3 different bars...we had a blast! I love WI, the fact that it can be a blizzard and people are still out at the bars in full force. Every place we went to was packed. Can't beat 2 dollar bottles of Leinies.

Found this today going through you tube. Marc Maron is hilarious and I think this video of his take on depression was funny and should be shared with others that read this. Very insightful:

So I tried to call the girl I had the date with. She didn't answer. Left a short, nonshalont (sp?) message. What is it when you call a girl that you like but don't get to talk to her you just think about negative stuff. At least I do. Like oh she doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe the date didn't go as well as I thought. Ugh. I need to get over my insecurity issues. Or maybe I'm just too pessimistic. That could be it too. I don't know...I was just really hoping to talk to here tonight.

If She'll Just Appear We'll Take this Big Town for a Whirl...All I Really Need is the Girl

2008-12-19T21:47:00.000-08:00

So I made safe and sound back to Wisconsin, and I have 4 Old Styles resting nicely in my tum tum.Flight was uneventful, almost finished my Rickles' book. I highly recommend reading it.
Not as could as I thought it was going to be here, guess a big snow storm is on the way though. Lasting tomorrow though Sunday. We'll see.
It feels good to be home, not much has changed. The house looks the same and a lot of other things are the same, you know the typical family sort. It's great to see my folks, I've missed them. Tomorrow not sure what I'm doing, probably head into town and see what the boys are up to.
Had my date last night. I think it went really well. Had dinner at Bardanay(sp?) which was excellent. Never have had the food there, very good. Decided to go to a movie and saw we had an hour an a half to kill before, so went to Liquid for a drink, just so happened Rebecca Scott was playing. Caught some of that then went to see Role Models. It was just a really good time. She even let me hold her hand during the movie. You know how that feeling is when you been around someone so long then you get to just hold there hand, any kind of more intimate contact with someone you've known awhile. It's awkward, wondering if its okay, what they think etc. It's a great, uncomfortable feeling. I haven't had that for a long time, and that feeling is a good sign for me...I don't know, I think I'm what would one say? Smitten? Is that appropriate? I know it's early. She's just really a great person. And I really want to see her again. Which I believe will happen but obviously not for a couple of weeks, given location...or...I'll fuck it up. But, I don't think I will. Not this go round.
So yeah, tomorrow the winter land fun begins, what that entails is anyones guess.
More to follow...

The Kids of Today Should Defend Themselves Against the 70's

2008-12-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

Is could be the time of year. It could be the up swing. Or...my plane is going to crash on Friday. Either way, it's been a crazy but better last couple of weeks. Biggest things, have a new job which I will start on January 5th. Same benefits package, more money, same kind of work.

Passed my final got what should be a C+ in my class, and I'm fine with that. It wasn't easy coming back to the school life. Especially when my past school life didn't involve tests and reading, just making art.

Going back to the motherland on Friday. Very excited to see Mom & Dad. Not so excited to see -25 degrees with highs of 4. Nothing Mom's cooking and a few Old Styles can't fix though.

I have a date tomorrow night. Probably jinxing it by talking about it but I'm really excited about the potential. Known her for awhile haven't really gotten to know her until the last couple months. Yay me.

Biggest set back was getting a flat yesterday. Thanks to Megs for getting me to work.

All these changes and good things. Weird. It does feel good. Just hope I can keep it up while home and not let other "things" get the best of me. I'm not too woried. Called one of my best friends last night, working on getting some ice fishing in. very excited about that.

Went to the book store today and bought a couple of books for the plane ride. Thanks to my supervisor for the Barnes & Noble giftcard. I got Rickle's Book by Don Rickles, and Love is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time by Rob Sheffield. Why wouldn't I by a book titled that. It's like it was written for me. Also my good friend Amanda bought me Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story by Chuck Klosterman for xmas. I'll shouldn't be bored on the plane now.

Sor yeah that's the cliff notes version of what's been up lately. Still overly thinking about what I could run into back in the middle-east but I believe I'm starting to get have a more positive outlook, or at least trying to. So maybe that's why things are starting to fall into place. And, if I can go home with that, I don't think I'll let a lot bother me...or I'll just wait for N*88 to get there and crack open a bottle of Southern Comfort. No, I think these changes are a long time coming. Hopefuly they keep going in a positive direction.

The next post will most likely be from the northland so, till then...

Now granny she’s yelling

She’s ready to eat

She’s havin’ conniptions

‘Cause they won’t take their seats

But she’s got ‘em all gathered now under one roof

With her camcorder loaded

She’s gonna get proof

But do you have to wear that

Well I just don’t see why

Please pass the potatoes

Aw eat shit and die

Did you hear about Ellen, she’s leaving, you know

How ‘bout those Packers, think it’ll snow?

And the minute it’s over they’ll scatter like quail

Off down the freeway in the teeth of a gale

Silent and shattered And numb to the core

They count themselves lucky

They got through one more holiday

Holiday

~James McMurtry

All I Want for Christmas

2008-12-09T21:24:00.001-08:00

Can you get these at Wal-Mart?

Sun Comes Up and We Start Again

2008-12-09T20:36:00.000-08:00

In reference to The Dead Acorn commenting on drinking season AND break up season here what these two great times of the year also have to offer. The break up season has started, not that I would know cause you have to have someone to break up with. But, it is also the no chance in hell you'll get together with someone season. No one wants to get together just before the holidays unless it is the sad and lonely holiday hook up. That does happen. What I'm saying is if there is someone your interested in, you have to wait till mid january if not early march to make your move. Possibly you could have a first date on Valentines day but that's pushing the cliche factor, and unless your in a John Hughes film don't do that. The holiday hook-up can be okay but just remember it's still early in the drinking season and we have a long stretch. You don't want to leave it all on the field the week before xmas. Belive me, the holiday hook-up isn't going to make you feel any better, and your drinking could go through the roof. Next thing you know your the Ryan Leaf of drinking season.

Xmas is like the homecoming game of drinking season, it's a big game and you want to perform well but it's not the championship. You may get the homecoming queen after but you don't get to sleep with her till prom. And when does prom come around? Spring. What else is in spring, St. Patricks Day. Just a word to the wise we got a long way to go.

So what else is going on? A whole lot of nothing. It looks like I am in for a job change, which is exciting. More money, more consistancy. Should also provide good experience. Should make some more head way with that tomorrow. Will keep all posted.

It's about a week till I go home. I'm really looking forward to it. Sounds like there's a ton of snow, which will be nice to see. I really have been missing my folks. That's the big thing I'm looking forward to. The two weeks are going to go fast.

I think its obvious what I wouldn't be looking forward to when going back, but the way I look at it I could care less. If I see her I see her. Not sure what I'll say if I do. Know what I'd like to say. Last thing I want is to have to rehash old shit over my vacation, that would more than likely follow me back to Boise. That's what this is for so I can vent to a computer in the saftey of Boise, maybe I'll have run out of stuff to say by then.

Also when I go home, watch for posts. My parents do have a computer, and last I heard they still live in Wisconsin and have two fridges. Some of you may know what that means. To those who don't your missing out. So the postings could be interesting for the rest of the month. N*88 may even get to guest post from my house!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

I Believe She was My One Chance to Marry Young (part II) or Ever Fallen in Love with Someone You Shouldn't've Fallen in Love with?

2008-12-03T21:01:00.000-08:00

Now stop your whistle blowin'

'Cause I got ways of knowin

'Your bringin' other people's lovers

But my own keeps goin'

Train of love's deceivin'

When she's not gone she's leavin'

~Johnny Cash

I don't know how I get my self to think that things are going to be okay or somehow answers are just going to jump out. The minute I get thinking one way it only takes something small and inadequate to make me feel the exact opposite. I mean Jesus I've been going at this for three years, does it end? What a vicious circle I allow myself to be in.

I think I know why though, at least one theory. I was either watching a movie or read something to this effect. I am paraphrasing but in this thing a person had died. They weren't letting go so to speak. They weren't coping with it well. They were afraid if they moved on, let go, accepted what have you, that, that memories of that person would be gone for ever. I don't think I'm expalining this well but, this is what I'm trying to get at. I keep going back over and over becuase I'm afraid of loosing the last little bit. So much went into it, it's hard to accept it was all for not. Now I just have the feeling of wanting to find somebody to out do her, show her up. That's not right, that's not going to produce a healthy relationship.

It's like I feel I need to have someone that's more attrcactive, itrests that are even more than hers, more successful in her career. Just to show she didn't "win", that I'm "better off" somehow. Maybe subconciously she would then be jealous and come back.

Why the hell would I want her back, I really don't. No really, I know it would be terrible, maybe these feelings are because there was no real closure. I know its not too late to get it, but I don't want to hear it. I know what it entails and I think there would be a lot of back peddling and just vauge enough to knowingly keep me in the wings so, no real point to that there.

I really need a computer at home so I can stop coming to the library to type up my rants. I guess this isn't a rant so much as the computer acting as therapist. That is if the therapist was Hellen Keller. I have to say though coming on campus is somewhat up lifting being that it shows me there are actually women in this city. Not that any of them would want to talk to me, or me to them. Yes darling you are attractive but your at school in your pajama pants. I now they're comfortable, and your hoody only slightly smells like Suds but lets clean it up a bit.

Basically I've concluded...well nothing. If anything I'll go back to the middle-east, and see what happens. Just have to make the most of it. If anything I'll come back with the knowledge of how to make the perfect Southern Old-Fashion to share with all.

Love Let Her

2008-12-03T15:25:00.001-08:00

So last night was real productive. Well at first it was. I made a great porkchop dinner for myself with mashed potatoes and beans. After that popped in the movie Step Brothers which I had just bought. Towards the end of the movie it seemed like a good time to open the bottle of wine that had been in my apt for the last couple days. I don't know why I ever bother using a glass. I always end up drinking the whole damn thing. The shitty thing about last night was I was in the best of moods. I really thnk way too much. So after the movie popped in a Nick Cave CD, pulled out the old photos, and I think we can pretty much see where it goes from here. Magellan could see where this trip is headed. I had thought about walking to the 7-11 to get another bottle of wine but I did have a six pack of pabst in the fridge. (I had 3 of the 6) So I just curled up on the couch, looked through photos, read old letters, and listend to music. It was somewhat theraputic, very bitter sweet. Sometimes its good to just sit and stew in emotions. Go back and forth and back again. Maybe its just me.

I don't know what brought it on, I think I'm just home sick. Also, there's a lot of unanswered questions that instead of getting them answered or avoiding the truth, which ever the case; my head likes to come up with its own conclusions I think...I do know I'm not any further along than I was before. Of course what did I think that by reading old letters I would see come answer that wasn't there before. All these years there was something I just skipped over and that would hold the key to it all? Part of me maybe hoped so. Last night would have been a great night to have a computer in front of me...maybe.

I do believe the album "Blue Moods of Spain" by the band Spain is the most depressing album I own. I did learn that.

Getting older Makes it Harder to Remember…We are our Only Saviors

2008-12-02T15:56:00.000-08:00

Dear TwinPorts,

You know what your problem is?

You're either, too afraid of failure to pursue something, content with being a big fish in a little incestuous pond (guess what everyone thinks their just as big as you, so, you are all equally lame), too lazy to put in the hard work to accomplish your dreams or something that has meaning to you(you have some good ideas, god forbid you put your money where your mouth is), or say your depressed when all you want to do is stay in bed.

You are a suicide bomber with a god wraped in bars and bands. Too bad the only one noticing you die in vain is me.

It wasn't easy to get rid of you and I don't think I have but, I can at least say grow up. Course, what do I know. Maybe you have changed maybe its great there. I don't want a part of it, but thanks for the fruit basket.

The hipsters, the scenesters, the old rockers holding onto their youth but losing their dignity and grace, the artists that can't see the forrest through the trees. Come on winter, show me what its like again, remind me why I left. I'm listening. Hope all is well with your new lives. I'm sure you think they're nothing like before, but I'm willing to doubt it. Drunk again, high again, not a woman/man satisfied again. Thinking, this time I'll change, move, never look back, to end up and the same place again. That's why I kinda love ya TwinPorts, no surprises. You're a constant. Constantly stagnant.

In closing TwinPorts, I'll leave you with this. I miss your warm bars on a bitter cold night. But the ones I can hide away in. You know who you are. The Anchor especially or the Hammond. I miss your snowy streets, trudging through them to get home, seeing the snow reflect in the street lights at 2am. That's a winter. Drunk enough that you feel warm when its 20 below. I miss making art 8 hours a day. Not having to go to the workmans grind, just my own solitary room, till I'm ready to come out. Till I have been satisfied with what I accomplished and created. It was good.

You were good to me at times TwinPorts. I hope you learn to treat yourself better.

Until late December,

~Johnny D.A.G.

May twelve Angels Guard You While You Sleep, Maybe That's a Waste of Angels I Don't Know, I'd do Anything to Keep You Safe

2008-12-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Wendy,

Thank you for sending me a Happy Birthday text. It was nice. Not sure why you thought it would be something I wanted to hear...coming from you and all since I have not spoken one word to you since March. Luckily I had the right mind not to respond because as my Mother told me, "Why start something you can't finish?" Which is true. Had I texted you back, I'm sure a barrage of texts would have followed. It would have been the equivalent of a small, tiny snowball at the top of a mountain careening down the slope. As the speed increases, it adheres to more and more snow, further increasing the speed and size at the same time, till finally it reaches the bottom of the mountain at rolling peak performance crashing through the Fireside and knocking me off my barstool. Which means I would have gotten wound up talking to you, and somehow you would at somepoint bring up the fact that I haven't talked to you and you would say you didn't know why. Then I'd have to say, "Really?" very sarcastically. Then you'd say something that I probably wouldn't pay a lot of attention to due to my internal bullshit meter, whether or not in was functioning properly.

So yeah...hope all is well. Thanks again.

Johnny D.A.G.

P.S.

Little by little

Bit by bit

Little bit by little bit

Now you got it that's it

What're you thinking?

Things'll go sour?

Take its temperature every hour

Nervous when you own it

Nervous when it's gone

What do you think has been going on

For so long?

You're the one

You broke my heart

You made me cry

But when I hear it from the other side

It's a completely different song

I'm the one who made you cry

And I'm the one who's wrong

In my dream you spoke to me

And you said

You're the one

You broke my heart

You made me cry

Nature gives us shapeless shapes

Clouds and waves and flame

But human expectationIs that love remains the same

And when it doesn't

We point our fingers

And blame blame blame

~Paul Simon "Your the One"

Did I Listen to Pop Music Because I was Miserable? Or was I Miserable Because I Listened to Pop Music?

2008-12-01T20:22:00.000-08:00

I never wanted to be the music-snob guy but the stupid people in America, that come into your store make you that way. It's not my fault. I tried to treat them with respect and not talk about them when they left but they bring it on themselves really they do.

Can we just leave it at that so I don't offend anyone. If you like a band say the Eagles, don't tell me about them, how great they are or when you saw them. I really don't care, because, I hate the Eagles. And do you really want ME to ruin your day by telling you how terrible they are? Just come into the store buy the CD and leave. Take in consideration speak when spoken too. I'm sure employees aren't too impressed with selections I've come out of the Record Exchange with but I know how these assholes work because I am one. Don't give them any fuel to add to a fire. Buy the CD and leave. I know they probably talk shit when I walk out the door but I don't hear it. No harm no foul.

Word to the wise, if your buying a top 40 band, just go to Best Buy, you really save not only your time but those working in an independent store. I had to wait behind 5 people on Friday buying god knows what. They were somewhat an older ex-hippy looking sort so I'm guessing they were all buying the new James Taylor cover album at once. Go to Best Buy, your not stopping the man while getting in my way when i have real purchases.

Which brings up another point...music knowlege great, awesome plus to have on your independent music store team. However, have some kind of fucking customer service. While the 5 poor bastards are waiting in one line there's 2 guys just dicking around the store. Get to the 2nd goddamn register move the line along people. I know you hate getting up for work after a wicked thanksgiving drinking binge at the lux and you're really upset your still living with your parents but, this is still your job, do it, or quit so I can work there and get some extra money and actually help people. then you'd have all the time in the world to get that really important photo project done. You know the one where you just take naked pictures of your girlfriend, to get naked pictures of her but you tell her "Hey it's in black and white, its art." Yeah you're a regular Maplethorp.

You know, I was actually good at customer service, I may have hated your taste in music but I would sure as shit help you get what you needed from my store or have it shipped from one of our other ones.

And Another Thing...

2008-11-21T15:03:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah I forgot to mention something about the pseudo girl sports fan: They can also be these blonde dumb trophy wives type that will spend all their husbands money to look like Derek Jetter in the stands, or Tom Brady. When you ask them if that's their favorite team or they really like those guys your going to get one of the following answers: 1. I really don't like sports, but I man likes it when I come to the games.(yeah, to showoff your fake tits which he paid for and show the fact his fat ass got a gold digging hot wife, other wise he would be at the game with his friends, of course a guy like this doesn't have any other than his booky)2. I don't like sports, but "insert sports figure here" is really hot! I love the chance to see him. (So you can fantasize about him while your fucking your probably/maybe decent husband. I'm sure you give the poor bastard shit about not being in shape like him to. Guess what honey where as much apparel as you want, unless your wearing Jose Canseco gear you're not getting a second glimpse. Be happy with what you got and go do something else fun for yourself so that ticket can go to someone who gives a fuck.

Well, Just Look at that Girl With the Lights Comin' Up in Her eyes, She's got to be Somebody's Baby.

2008-11-20T20:25:00.000-08:00

I wonder if there is a girl out there for me like Phoebe Cates? That would be nice.

Or, the Whale

2008-11-20T20:16:00.000-08:00

Death of Me (Or, the Whale)
Every week that passes in this hazy town

Is another week that you ain't comin' round

All the pretty girls I pass by on the street

Seem to blend in with the grey of the concrete

I've been savin' up to catch a plane back east

Just to see you for a couple days at least

I've been learnin' how to keep my whiskey down

Just to save the change from buying my last round
In the morning when I wake

My hands shake

I lay back and shut my eyes

And wish the world wasn't this size

Ever since we parted ways, my notes are flat

I can't write a decent melody at that

All my major chords keep drifting into blue

Tell me what's a country singer supposed to do
Stephanie, you'll be the death of me.

___________________________________

I found my Or, the Whale CD and forgot this song was on it. This is a song I should have wrote. Someone else managed to capture it a lot better though.

I've Been trying to Get People to call Me freddy Mercury. People Keep Calling me Drop dead Fred

2008-11-20T19:37:00.050-08:00

I typed in poser and this is the photo I got.

So I saw two bands from my long list of favorite bands play together last night. The Hold Steady & The Drive-By Truckers. On there own they have never disapointed. Together was even better. Hold Steady opened, Truckers followed. Encore with Truckers then Hold Steady came out to play a few songs with the Truckers. Just awesome.

The thing I came to realize watching this concert was that I am either getting old, or my tolerance for people is dropping. I really like watching my favorite bands play, but its getting harder to enjoy shows with drunken morons, and people that have no idea what they're listening to show up to these things. Watching a large part of last nights crowd, was like having a girlfriend and some douche bag stare or hit on her at the bar. "Quit watching my band, that bands my girl!" That may not make sense but it does to me. I'm very passionate about my music. I wanted to know how many people we're there for the music or how many were just there to get drunk and listen to the music. If they just wanted to check out something they never heard of thats fine, enjoy, find something that isn't your roommates music. You know, that top 40 shit like that "I kissed a girl" song. What the fuck is with that song?

Also, watching some of these girls...yes it will come off music snobbish but I don't care. Seeing some of these girls, granted based off looks, no way knew who the hell they were listening to. They were either there cause there boyfriends brought them, or they were with a bunch of other girls that thought it was the hip thing to do. You know these girls, dressed for the most part like they're going to 6ht & Main but rocking out like they've been listening to these guys before "they made it". Bullshit, you decided to go because your that girl that will do whatever will make your "man" happy and if you really seem interested he might not get drunk and fuck your sister over the weekend. When actually you have know clue what any of the music is beacuase you've been listening to Keith Urban and the Dixie Chicks all your life. Just because one of your bar slut friends told you they sound like Rascal Flats doesn't mean your going to like it. Your not. You'll pretend to then bitch to your friend how they sound nothing like Rascal Flats and say how much Rascal Flats and Kenney Chesney is better. Which again shows how fucking wrong you are and shouldn't be allowed to vote let alone breed. Just go back to watching your Paris Hilton's BFF or Scream Queens or what ever it is the hell you do.

Another thing, these are the same girls that will watch sports because they want to make there guy happy. They have no real input on anything athletic other than maybe they fucked a softball team in an abandoned hospital. But they root along like they have a clue, "Off sides!" They'll yell out, to bad we're watching baseball sweetheart.

All I'm saying is don't be fake. You can go to a show, enjoy it have fun appreciate it don't be fake. I guess that's the main bullet point I'm trying to make. Same with girls and sports. You don't like sports that's fine, don't pretend to be into something your not. Do something you want not because it makes someone happy. Don't go to a show because you'll be seen or it'll be a good drunkin time. Enjoy the music get opened up to something other than Fergie or...god I don't even know whats out there anymore. Quit showing off, same goes for you douche bag guys. You don't need cowboy hats to see the truckers, and your ball caps don't need to be backwards all the time. Be your fucking selves.

That goes for you indie rock fucks as well. Above all, who the hell are you trying to impress. Don't get me wrong cause apparently it works cause you guys manage to hook up and find women or vice versa. But i'm just starting to think maybe its more plutonic because you just want to barrow each others jeans before the obscure band plays or some poetry reading. I mean I talk about music a lot but jesus christ. I swear these people sit at home and make up bands sometimes and just throw out bull shit to people to make them look cool. I should start doing that when I get into a conversation. Instead of saying, no never heard of them, or no I'm too old to know what the fuck you're talking about I'm just going to make some shit up. Like, "Hey hav you heard of Paper Bag? Aw, man, they're sweet been awound since '99 started in Southern Wyoming. It's always been the same singer and drummer, but the rest have changed almost every two years. Very post new-wave/Guided by voices. They disbanded in '05. They did two lollapaloozas that's where I saw them." See total bullshit and that took 30 seconds to write.

Ugh.

I Believe She was My One Chance to Marry Young, To Have Some Dark-Haired Daughters and Some Guitar-Pickin' Sons (part I)

2008-11-12T19:07:00.000-08:00

So, I thought I would try something out and also see if I can get feedback. I've been thinking of putting up a profile on online dating sites to see what happens I guess. I figure it can't hurt. I'm just going to post there questionaire things and write my responses. I guess then people can let me know what they think instead of diving right in. Alright here goes nothing:

What do you do for fun?

The biggest thing I do for fun is hang out with my friends. That can include but not limited to getting drinks, playing flag football, going to concerts, biking all over town, BBQing, watching a lot of football, baseball or hockey depending on the season.

I also enjoy going making art (mostly working in collage/mixed media) and playing in my band.

*I'll use this slanty lettering to show my comments. Yes I know this is somewhat generic and balnd but I'm not sure what to put to "jazz" it up. All I do is hang out with my friends, make art and play music. I know some some of you are thinking I need to put drinking on there more, but come on I don't drink that much. Lets not throw stones in glass houses. Bastards.

Favorite local hot spots or travel destinations?

Places I tend to frequent are located in the Northend. Either the pub or friends houses.

Downtown there is a couple places to go to so I can see live/local indie music. I stay away from the 6th and Main area due to the douche factor. I do appreciate and love the solace and atmosphere of a good dive bar. Like the Fireside, Vista Bar, 44 Club.

*That part about 6th and Main I think would weed out the undesirables. The more I type the answers to this the more boring I seem. I need to start getting out and doing shit.

Favorite things? *Really, that's it? Could that be anymore vauge?

My favorite things? Hmm, well let's break it down.

Drinks: Jameson, a well made Southern Old Fashioned, cheap beer from the midwest, and powerade.

Movies: *Style? or Which ones?

I enjoy really most styles of movies. Favorite movies would run along the lines of High Fidelity, Amadeus, One Flew Over The Cuckcoos nest, Caddy Shack and On the Water Front.

Music: Most kinds that you'd have to discuss with me face to face I guess.

*Then I can tell you how wrong you are because you probably really only like what ever type of crap is on the radio since it's not very fucking-likely a fun indie girl with musical smarts/taste would be trying online dating. All those girls are getting filled out by their boyfriends who don't really appreciate them, and/or husbands. K, went on bit of a rant there but I mean come on...it's true.

What's the last thing you read?

"Dear Mr. Crenshaw" by Beverly Cleary

*What I got it from the school I work at. It's a good book. I read it when I was in like fourth grade and forgot all about it till I found it again. It's good. Read for yourself.

*Okay now it's going into random questions that I'm not sure will translate, like things you have to check off. Just a sec...okay here.

What common interests would you like to share with other members?

*This is one of the check list things, here's what I would pick:

Dining out (sure why not)

Camping ( I guess, not a big camper, but would be willing to with a girl that was into it. She would of course have to know more than me about camping, or we would die.)

Music and Concerts (that goes without saying I think)

Political Interests (well yeah)

Shopping/Antiques (if this means like going to thrift stores, buying old records and magazines and such then hell yeah. also side note, going with a girl to a gun show can be interesting also, just saying)

Watching Sports (definetly, and not the I'll watch sports because you like to watch them bullshit either. You have to like to watch some form of competetion, football is the winner though. I guess even if you watch NASCAR you have a little redneck in you and that can be very good. The girl would at least be able to fuck up cheeseburger and pound a few beers. Big thing though watch something.

Cooking (I like to cook)

Fishing/Hunting (I like to go fishing, if a girl likes to go even better, get outdoors have some fun, most likely she won't be a vegetarian or vegan either)

Museum and Art (duh)

New to the Area (I guess I've been here for two years so I'm not that new, but we could maybe see new things together)

Performing Arts (Would really like to go to more plays and things like that, haven't done that since I moved out here need to get on that. Kind of hard going alone though movies are one thing, plays and shit like that getting dressed up. Just reminds you how alone you are.

Playing Sports (if she can handle flag football or biking sweet)

I guess that's about it. Things I didn't choose were religion, alumni connections, business networking, nightclubs stuff like that, I think it's obvious why. Not really my style.

Describe yourself and your perfect match to our community.

Okay, I think this is where I'm stopping cuz I don't know what the hell to write here, and going through rest of the questions they were generic box checking things. Ugh, I need to wait on this endevour I think. This is obviously something that needs to be just right to get someones attention. I think I need a woman to help me with composing the whole thing actually. They can use fancy and bigger words than me.

Well there's an hour and a half I'll never get back. Maybe I'll come back to this at a later date and time. At least I got something to review if I ever did try an online dating thing.

Im Having a Sex Change, To a Woman Who Loves Too Much

2008-11-11T21:23:00.000-08:00

I really need my own computer. It's kind of a pain having to come to BSU all the time. Trying to remember what I wanted to right about, or to be focused. I was going to change my heading on my blog, no be damned if I can remember what it was going to be. I'm sure I'll remember it on my way home though, and forget it tomorrow. Also I would like to be able to upload my own photos.

Not much new to report on. I had some things I thought I would write about but, they don't seem to carry the weight that I thought they would.

I'm trying not to delve into the doom and gloom. I guess I don't really have to try. I haven't been feeling bad as of late. I have wondered what going home to visit is going to be like. It seems like its this built up, powder-keg of something is going to happen. In reallity I think it's just all built up in my mind. I look back at old pictures of friends and reallize how much they have probably changed, how much I've changed. All in two years. It will be different. In turn, I realize the many and VERY good friends I have here. Not to say my old friends have been replaced, they haven't. It seems they're stuck in time. Where they don't leave or change and I come back to the same ol shit. Here my friends are constantly changing themselves, pursuing endevours, ready for adventure. I don't know, maybe I'm just thinking out loud.

On another side...if you listen to music I suggest listening to Willie Nelson, Paul Simon and John Hiatt right now. With the weather continuing its rain to cold to sun to cold to rain. Why not listen to a random mix of upbeat to wallowing to inspirational to forget where you are music. That's what I've been listening to lately. Especially John Hiatt's Walk On album great stuff.

That's my two cents for the night. Sorry it wasn't more eventful. Maybe tomorrow night.

Whiskey or God, Gonna Bring Me Relief, Believin or Not, Bending My Elbow or My Knees

2008-11-10T20:32:00.000-08:00

So I went to church out of my own volition this past Sunday. That's the first time in years I've done that. I've gone the last to years to Easter Mass out here because my mom really made me feel like I should go. More of a guilt trip I guess. And I go with my folks on xmas. I had kind of thought about the idea of going all week. I had my reservations about going even when I pulled up. Thinking, "what the hell am I doing?" It wasn't some religious thing that made me feel I had to go. God didn't speak to me or anything like that. It was more of a, I need to start making some changes. I'm not sure why going to church was what I started with, but it seemed the most drastic at least for me, thing to do. And I survived it. It felt good. It didn't really feel like going to church. Almost a therapy session. Where I could just reflect on myself, and not be bothered by the outside world.

I went to an Episcopal chrurch. I was raised Catholic but this is like Catholic light. A bit more liberal. I'm sure my sister will be pissed when she finds out. That'll be sweet. Stupid born again. Anywho, it had all the same tradition stuff that I grew up with, which was comforting given my mood lately. It made me feel less homesick for my parents some how. The sermon helped me appreciate going the most though I think. It had no mention of God or Jesus or service to God. It was all about telling people you love them, or things you need to say before its too late. That's what it was all about. Not shoving rhetoric down ones throat but something that should be practiced in everyones life. I have to say as cliche as it is I felt a little rejuvinated. I felt good.

I don't know...I think part of this came from the idea that I used to be pretty happy all the time. I've always been a little angry at a lot of stuff, but I feel I'm more angry or easily angered than I need to be, I'm finally getting tired of it. I need more positive in my life and if this helps, so be it. Maybe thearpy would be easier, but that costs money. If a little down time on a Sunday morning helps my outlook on life in a positive way, maybe gets me to be confident in my own potential, I'll take it.

I could also sit there in church one day and hear something and go, "Oh, that's bullshit, I'm out!" We'll see.

My mom and dad were really pleased that I went. Also, pretty surprised. I figured they would be though. Hell, no one was more surprised than me I think.

So yeah...I'm looking forward to going next Sunday. See what happens.

The Sun is Filled With Ice and Gives No Warmth at All, the Skies Were Never Blue, the Stars are Raindrops Searching for a Place to Fall

2008-11-07T13:37:00.000-08:00

I found this picture last night. I was listening to Willie Nelson this morning. The blog title is from that song. I just thought the two had to be introduced and put together. I think it works.

Just took my Psych Ed. test and got a 78% which is a C+. Was hoping it to be a better score but I'll take it. This class is tough. Which reminds me, I need to sign up for stuff for next semester.

Now the weekend is here. Weeee!

Show at the Lux tonight I may have to check out.

Blah blah blah that's all I got.

For now.

Let Fall Your Soft and Swaying Skirt. Let Fall Your Shoes. Let Fall Your Shirt. I'm not the Ladykilling Sort Enough to Hurt a Girl in Port

2008-11-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

There's something about that Lake. It's like an ocean. It takes on a lot. Rarely giving anything back. You really can only love it from affar. Or maybe small doeses.

Although, a warm late July night on the beach with nothing but a fire, a blanket to sit on, and a 6 pack of Miller High Life will make you forget any problem you may have.

If your lucky enough to be out there by yourself, you can feel like your the only person in the world, at least for a few minutes.

Sittin Up All Night Trying to Have a Good Time Singing My Songs and Trying to Get Paid

2008-11-06T21:06:00.000-08:00

When I go back to the midwest for Xmas. I can't wait to go ice fishing. Nothing like sitting on a frozen lake with your friends, drinking beer and catching fish in the middle of December.

That's living.

Fat Charlie the Archangel Files for Divorce

2008-11-04T21:48:00.000-08:00

Well the election is finally over and the better man one, that is a good start off to the mid week. I don't have any great insight to the election. Who I voted for finally one after 2 disapointing presidential elections, and I hope there is a change. I'm happy to see the last 8 years come to an end. That's it.

The past weekend itself was not as crazy as I thought it would be which was nice. Went to a party then the bar on Halloween night. Didn't think I would but I did and it was a lot of fun. I did however manage to stay in the rest of the weekend because I was spent from the festivities. That also did save me money.

This week is a short work week and studying will be involved for a test on Friday.

It hasn't been a bad this week, so far. A little down on Monday. Had one of the semi-re-accuring dreams Sunday night, wasn't the funnest way to wake up in the morning. Surprised to have another one last night though. It didn't make me feel as anxious as the night before though, which was nice surprise. The thing is where do these come from. How are the scenes put together its so random sometimes. Especially the people involved. Like last night, two people in it were people I barley ever talked to and they took up like 2/3rds of the dream. And why was a circus theme involved? I haven't even had a drink since Friday night!?

I really need to get my own computer, this sitting in the BSU library is getting silly. It'll be nice when I get my own cuz then I can just put on some relaxing music and type away. Here I'm always looking at the clock to whether or not I'm going to get booted out because they're trying to close.

*Oh side note, to those that read this my band will be playing at the Bouquet on the 14th this month. Should be fun.

This entry is getting really random now and not having the cathardic, emotional expression I wanted but I really don't have mcuh to say. Maybe the last few posts I got stuff off my chest and that's it. Okay I'm sure I'll come up with more...after all its me.

Well hell, I guess that's it for the night. It's getting colder out and I feel the bed calling.

Oh Loretta shes a barroom girl

Wears them sevens on her sleeve

Dances like a diamond shines

Tell me lies I love to believe

~Townes Van Zandt

(gotta leave with some kind of song)

"Why Don't We Just Get Married in Secret Before You Move.

2008-10-29T18:22:00.000-07:00

So I just went through a god damn gammit of old emails. And I was ready to be bitter, angry, heartbroken and all that shit all over again. Some how I'm not. Through all I read she wasn't the bad person. She just realized too little too late. I thin...or I did...okay we both did. Reflecting back on this stumble down memory lane, I harbor such a "what if" with her because of how much she really did want to be with me. It could have been just cuz I was moving and it was a irrational rush of emotions, but reading back she was sincere...I think...

With looking back I hope I can find a woman that will have again that much love for me. I think that's what I fear. Not will I find someone that hot, that cool, shares all the same interests, gets along with each others friends. Although those are importan. I think it comes down to I'm afraid I'll never find someone that loved me so much. Who probably would have moved out here only because I was out here. Irrational? Maybe...maybe I'm old fashioned in some sense too. I want a relationship with that kind of passion. Of course with the kind of passion we had we could have also killed each other, perhaps.

This all can be looked in the opposite way to. I have not spoken to her since March. Here it is October and I have heard nothing. I'm not upset that I haven't but when reading the old emails you'd think there would be some kind of fight put up.

Maybe she's all out of fighting. Tired of fighting for a lost cause. After all she's moved on. I hope she's happy. I think she could do better, and I don't mean me either. But I don't think anybody would be good enough for her. That's just me. I still feel protective.

She was my best friend. I don't want to share her. It's been to long to go back to even reconcile I feel. If I tried it would hurt more. It would be a slippery slope back into the past that I just don't need right now.

I've always said I know what I'm looking for, but I won't know what "that" is until it hits me right then and there. I think part of it is finding someone that will have the same amount of affection that she did. The key to recieving that will be allowing myself to be vulnerable and willing to accept that. I guess that happens when I feel I see "that" in them. What a vicious circle.

But...I rather be single than in false happiness. Or an uncomfortable limbo.

Also...I don't think I'm that same person anymore. There are some traits but a lot of things are different. There's been maturing. (perhaps in the loosest sense of the word) Things will happen, good, bad, joy, depression and all the shades of gray. Thing I have to do is make it happen. Things aren't going to fall in my lap. But its baby steps for me. I'm not ready to fully step in the pool. My feet are in but just because I'm sitting on the ledge. Hell, I may still be in the hot tub. Or in the locker room waiting for people to leave so I can change in private. The thing to remember though the pool will always be there. No matter how deep, or how shallow. Once in you decide the depth.

Where the hell I got that analogy I don't know. I don't even know if that makes sense.

I hope she's happy. That's all I can really do now. What's she's doing is no longer my concern. If it was she would let me know to be concerned.

Somewhere there is a girl walking around that will someday be my wife(I hope) at least my first wife. I don't know who she is and she doesn't know who I am...when I meet her though, it would be interesting to know what she was doing on October the 29th @ 7:50 in the pm.

Time to go make dinner.

Is there Anybody Here Who Feels This Low? Under Fifteen Feet of Pure White Snow

2008-10-28T17:35:00.000-07:00

You would think I could find other ways to spend my time...but I can't. So here I sit again in the BSU library. Although, I do have my eye on a computer so maybe I'll get more interesting posts when I get one of those things in my apt.

Ugh...I can't think of anything to write tonight. I wanted to write about why I hate Halloween, but I'm just to exhausted from the last two days to do that kind of thinking right now. Long and short of it, Wendy ruined my desire, and enjoyment of it. Also I hate all the girls with their slut outfits and douchebag boyfriends that are on parade.

I also wanted to write about a certain physical look/feature some women have that just drive me crazy (in that good way) but that will have to wait to a later time. Again I can't put thoughts together right now. A summary/preview I guess would be, in the last couple days I've seen 2 or 3 women with this "certain" look and I can't put my finger on it what makes them superior than others. Cause, it's just this certain one thing that I can't quite figure out. Till another time.

God I'm tired.

Magnetism

2008-10-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

how fucking romantic
all the stars are out
twinkling twinkling twinkling
and fluttering about

what a tacky sunset
what a vulgar moon
play another charming
rogers and hart tune

how fucking romantic
must we really waltz?
drag another cliche
howling from the vaults

love you obviously
like you really care
even though you treat me
like a dancing bear

toss your bear a goldfish
as he cycles by
don't forget to feed yourbear
or it'll die
~The Magnetic Fields

I wish I could write lyrics like that.

I Know You've Supported Me For a Long Time, Somehow I'm Not Impressed

2008-10-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I feel the need to go back through old emails. It is somewhat theraputic I guess. Not that I needed it but it does give me some ratification that I made the correct decision in my life thus far. It goes back to the memory thing, really that's all I got left are a bunch of long, no closeur, sad bastard emails and a handfull of photos tucked away in a drawer. But that's the kind of stuff that makes good country songs.

Really, I guess I'm still going to let this effect me still. Of course it's not like it was. That was unhealthy. There's feeling, that I don't know what it is yet that I'm not ready to let go of. First step is admitting that I guess. I know I have to let it go at some point and that time comes closer everyday. It's already going on 3 years and I feel like a big enough douche for that.

There really was no closeur though. That could have a lot to do with all this. And it could be the fear of closeur. That would bring the end all to end all. Who would want that right? When you can go around in Limbo. When another guy is sleeping with her, I guess I should take that as closeur. At least the second time around right?

You know, home from work today I came across an experience that made me home sick. I was driving home with window down. It was about 58 degrees out. The thing was the way the air felt and smelled. It was a crisp, constant that blew through the window. But the smell was although very, very, faint brought me back to Superior. Believe me the smell was faint, and I really strained to take it all in to give me the visual I missed. The conditions were just enough to take me back to the first somewhat warm day after a long Northland winter. The kind that last 9 months. It's when it goes above 45 degrees and feels like you can put shorts on. All I could do was picture myself in my white pick up, driving through the streets of Superior. Gutters rushing with melted snow, patches of green/tan grass poking through snow covered lawns. The sun shinning as bright as can be hanging above me. The smell of things fresh, and clean, telling you spring will be coming. Being able to go out in a hoodie and jean jacket after you've been wrapped up like the Mighty Quinn.

Uh, and a sunset on a day like that. I would just drive my truck down the main drag and through neighbor hoods listening to probably Interpol at the time. Seems like that would be right. Going by the apts I used to live in, revisitng old memories. Going by the apt she used to live in, wondering where it went wrong.

It was always good to here the Robins at this time too. Winters are dead silent there. No animal wants to be around. A saving grace is the sound of the Robins coming back.

Thinking back on this, and I feel bad for saying it I was almost mad that all I saw was green, sunny, and mountains. All I wanted to see was wet streets, melting snow banks and water going down the gutter through the ice and snow caves the banks made. It's the simple things in life sometimes afterall.

One very, very faint smell of spring like proportions. I miss that. I guess you really get an appreciation for something that can seem like it never will come around. I think when that first hit of sring came to be I was able to absorb as much as possible and bring it with me. I hope I have it for awhile.

I Don’t Believe in Heaven But I Still Believe in Ghosts

2008-10-23T17:39:00.000-07:00

I was having a hard time trying to decide what to write so I stole this from N*88 in hopes of stimulating some intellegent thought. Let's see if it works. Cuz right now my thoughts are all over jocking for position in my head like a bunch of Packer fans at an all you can eat buffett. So here it goes...

-Favorite book
How To Kill A Rock Star by Tiffanie DeBartolo. This was a first book that read in a real long time that wasn't for school. I first read it a little over three years ago when I was going through my fun days. A friend of mine said I would gain some insight from it, and that it was an amazing read. Somehow in the three perspectives of the book, I seemed to relate to them. And it's the first time I had ever read something and cried at the end. I don't know if it's how the story seemed like what I was going through or if I was just really sensitive at the time. I bought my own copy and read it a second time and it really is a powerful story. In a chic flick, don't admit this to your friends sort of way. I also recomend DeBartolo's God Shaped Hole.

-Favorite Movie
This is a tough one becasue there are a lot of movies I love. I'd have to break it down to my top five movies I think. Not in any particular order:

1. Amadeus Milos Foreman is a directing genius. I started piano lessons at age six and saw this movie around the same time. Fell in love with Mozart. Movie is still a staple. I can turn it on any time and watch it. The directors cut is even better.

2. High Fidelity I remember when this movie first came out. I remember seeing the previews on TV and thinking. Wow! This movie is just what I've been waiting for. This first time I saw it I said yes! This is the way movies should be made. The girl I took to it at the time didn't understand it and thought it was stupid, also she said of course I would like a movie like that.(No it wasn't Wendy) I went to it a 2nd time, one because it was fucking sweet and two I wanted to bring a anoth female friend to it to see if she would have the same reaction. She thought it was a good movie, more directed at guys, and again would see why I would like it. The only thing about High Fidelity is when years later life imitates art and my life was damn near parrell with John Cusacks character in the movie. Really you could watch the movie and two thirds of it would be a pretty acurate represntation of my year before I moved to Boise.

3. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest Once again genius of Milos Foreman. Great story of perciverace. The speaks for itself, I don't think I need to go into detail about this one.

4. Scent of a Woman One of my favorite Al Pacino movies. Who is also one of my favorite actors. Great story of coming of age, giving of on life and being "reborn". Or be given the ability to see again while still being blind.

5. Beautiful Girls I first saw this film when I rented it in...let's see it came out in '96 so must have been '97 or so...let's say my junior. There's a movie to fuck up an impressionable teenager and give him unrealistic ideals about women and relationships. (Chasing Amy is another film that does that, but that's another post.) The movies amazing. Its fun, its good. I watch it over and over. The main character is also a piano player and thats cool. Some great quotes from it:
Andrea: So why the sad face?
Willie: Job requirement. Happy piano players work the circus.

Andrea: Are you drunk?
Willie: I'm not sure. But the two of you look beautiful tonight.

Willie: Do you want to go home with me?
Andera: No.
Willie: I had to ask, because to be honest with you, I don't find you the least bit attractive. Now do you want to go home with me?
Andea: No.

-Favorite Band/Artist, live
Has to be The Hold Steady, Dale Watson, Steve Earle, Hudson Falcons, Stiff Little Fingers and The Melvins. At least those are the most memorable ones. Cluth puts on a hell of a show to.

-Band/Artist, recorded
Johnny Cash, Bruce Springsteen, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, Neutral Milk Hotel

-Favorite Song
Too many to mention, right now I can't get enough of listening to Bruce Springsteen's "Gipsy Biker" amazing fucking song.

-Favorite Music Video
Chris Issak's "Wicked Games" video. I mean come on...that's all I have to say.

The Courtney Love Syndrome

2008-10-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write this all day and the last post got really deep, which I didn't expect to happen. So I hope I still have the mental capacity to try to explain this with the respect and dignity it deserves.

The Courtney Love Syndrome is as follows:
(with a few detours on the way)

Since I was born I have been around the county fair back home. My Dad was on the board of directors, the manager, and finally owner when him and my God-Father bought it from the city.

That's part one of this equation.

I'm also from a small town in the great state of Wisconsin, 13,294 people(2003). Not a rich community but definetly farm , rural, down home, go to the highschool football game on friday night place.

That's part two.

Also in the that town I developed from my upbringing a love for dive bars. Be that dive bars of WI, ie The Anchor, Pretzle's Bar, Tin Can Alley, Champs, Sweeny's, The Dam Bar, The Hammond (god I love the Hammond) or Lost in the 50's. Or MN dive bars, ie Twins Bar, The Roundup, The Hitching Post, or The North Pole. To the ID dive bars, The Fireside, K9 Club, Symposium, & The Cactus.

That's part three. The point of all this is you will find a certain time of woman in these areas if not all three at once. (Is that possible? I think so.) They can range to meth addict thin to about average to athletic build. Usually dyed or dishwater blonde, or that look of not really blonde but lighter than dark brown hair color what ever that is. Black hair is rare. They could have 0 to 2 kids, and their age is from 21 to bout 34, 35. I think after 35 things start taking a turn with all the possible drug use and smoking. Also, they have to have an attractive face, prferably not a black eye or missing teeth, the scale is so sensitive it doesn't take much for the attractivness of these women to hit less than desirable.

Now I'm not bashing women about looks or any shit like that I'm saying there is a certain look I grew up with and see rarely these days that holds a special place in my heart. These women have a certain je ne sais qua if you will. They are the anti-barbie, the anit plastic take me as I am woman. I admire the hell out of that. They are comfortable putting on a hat rather than doing their hair. (cowboy hats are even better but tread on the line of being like one of those fancy girls you'd see on 6th and Main, to clairify it would be better if she was wearing a wife beater with it than a abercrombie top. We on the same page now?) These girls drive pick ups, smoke, drink whiskey, play pool, swear, and like to watch sports. Someone may say, hey my girl does that. Oh yeah well are her jeans ripped from doing real work or did she buy them that way? Has she worked on a farm most her life? Can she fuck up a cheeseburger and not worry about going to the gym. Can she throw a football? Will your girl go to the fireside and slam a Jameson shot and rack up a pool game while getting a Camel out of her purse. And mind you a purse, not a back pack, not some prada, so and so french guy's name 300 dollar thing, not a hemp bag. I'm talking a piece of shit thing from walmart or shopko that duct taped together.

Where was I going. This happens I get all amped up and to many ideas come at once.

I say the Courtney Love Syndrome beacause Courtney Love was/is hot. There again is something about her. And, there are some women out there that share that quality. It's been around for awhile looking back because there was always a Courtney Love, but there's always been the girl that looked a little dangerous, a little scary and a lot hot.

The thing is it's getting rarer to see. I'm sure if I went out to the sticks I could probably find it but some guy in a sleeveless flannel would probably stick me like a pig for talking to his girl in a smokey bar called something like Haymaker Charlie's. And deservedly so. That is a woman to hold on to.

Where's my Courtney Love?

I'm going to have to go to the Fireside and see.

Night of the Johnstown Flood

2008-10-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

let's leave tonight
one last time
before it gets to cold

just one more round
in that tourist town
with another home for sale

and then one more year
becomes one more year
and you'll forget me soon i fear
~Junior Boys

Took a nap tonight. Hate it when you feel you feel like you've slept all the way through till the next dat. Luckily the sun was still up and it was 6:30 pm not am. Anyway it was about a hour and a 1/2 nap but enough to get in a dream which seems to act like a plane trip back to the Northland that somehow manages to fit a weekend into about a 1/2 hour of sleep.

Wendy used to tell me all the time that she would have dreams where I was just mean to her. She would wake up upset at what took place in them. At the time I never had that. I thought she was being silly, she let her mind race so much anyway that I figure if she could settle down any of her dreams would be better. Then I started having them about a year ago. God they're weird. Like tonight, I can't remember the any detail or what it was about other than it was Halloween. But the anxiety that you feel when you wake up...the self reassurance process you go through. Sometimes you feel your hearts going to pound through your chest. Maybe it's just my turn to feel a bit of what she did. Cause now she's the mean one.

It's not like I think its really her it's just weird to see. It's like I'm watching a movie I made but had a really good budget to make the Twin Ports look civilized. It's always very flashy and modern. It would be like if Frank Llyod Wright really had a thing for a huge lake and bitter cold tempetures. That for some reason his buildings could only be built there. Like the bar that I practically lived in which was two rooms essentially, in my head has become a two level thing with seperate bars. Huge glass windows, neon, martinis and slinky black dresses.

Usually I'm there living it up and things are good then she walks in and shows off how much happy and better off she is...I know during all of this that this is a dream and it doesn't bother me it's just that feeling when you wake up. I almost look forward to the dreams because when you don't see or talk to people for almost a year its kinda nice to see them, at least in some way. Like when I would dream about my Grandma that is dead. I've only had I think 3 dreams with her in since she died, it was always good to have though. Why the hell don't I get to dream about her more. Guess I need to think about her more...

What the hell was my point of this? I think I lost it somewhere between taking a nap and slinky black dresses. What is the reasoning of these reacuring dreams, probably I think to much is the first thing that comes to mind. Maybe the comfort, the little there is with them. You do get a good boost of adrenline or high anxiety when you shoot out of bed saying to yourself "What the fuck was that!"

Wonder if she has those kind of dreams about me? Wonder if she wakes up next to him in the middle of the night feeling the same way I do when I wake up. That would suck, huh? I don't mean that sarcasticly, that would really suck for her.

Maybe these are coming up because I'll be headed back that way for a bit in a month and a 1/2...

Maybe when you don't talk to someone for over 7 months that you have to talked to every day for something like 7 to 8 years your mind does the talking for you. Maybe this is a withdral process like trying to quick drinking or smoking. You have to go through stages. What stage I'm at is another question, a better question, what the hell are the stages.

ad·dict –noun

1. a person who is addicted to an activity, habit, or substance

2. to cause to become physiologically or psychologically dependent on an addictive substance

Maybe I'm addicted to these feelings? The good feelings I did/do have? The bad feelings I'm used to having? Is the confusion of feelings part of detoxification?

I think it could be the latter because I'm not giving my mind the bad feelings or the goods feelings. It's limbo, eye of the storm, purgatory. Insert other cliche here.

The Heartless Bastards-Gray

2008-10-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel a little bit gray in the autumn
Gray in the autumn
But I'm looking at things in a new way sitting in my skin
I'm getting up again

I got these words on the tip of my tongue
But they feel so numb, oh they feel so numb
So I'll march my feet to a different drum
Down the avenue
Tell you what I'm going to do
I'm going take everything, everything
Take it to the start, and give it a new lining, so it's so inviting

Sometimes I've forgotten why I was here
Driving out so far underneath the sky and stars
I's so easy to lose sight
When your intoxicated from chemicals they make me numb

I got these words on the tip of my tongue
And they feel so numb, oh they feel so numb
So I'll march my feet to a different drum
Down the avenue
Tell you what I'm going to do
So I'll march my feet to a different drum

When the fuck did we get ice cream!?

2008-10-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

In college have you ever noticed how the hot girls in your class seem to be just bitches? Or least they come off as such. I suppose I shouldn't be too judgemental, but if I wasn't this blog would be pointless to read.

It may be that I'm at that age of going to school where I still know how to have fun but its not the fun that they have. They drink, I drink; however, I don't don't need a stomache pump at 3:30 in the morning while some frat boy is busy hitting on my highschool senior cousin.

I don't know I just have that out of touch feeling walking around campus. Must be because of the been there done that...I know what it is. It's jealousy. There's a part of me that misses the lifestyle that went along with going to college. Also I think I have a lot of, "Oh, I should have done this, I should put more time into that." "Maybe that girl was a hooker, but I don't remeber paying." The more I think about the regrets (not that there is a lot) the more I have to come to the realization that I probably wouldn't be in Idaho. This has been the best thing that's happend to me and I have to honestly say, although the trip was up and down that brought me here; overall I can't say I would change anything.

Say I ended up with,(let's call her Wendy) as far as a marital situation...I probably would have been divorced in 2 to 5 years. Pretty sure I would have been in the same dead end job in a dying musice business, in an unhappy relationship trying to drink through another winter, wondering, where did I go wrong and how come it's so fucking cold here. I know I also wouldn't be trying to pursue school a second degree around to better myself.

So thank you Idaho. Love you Wisconsin, but if you love something you got to set it free, thanks for setting me free. Also thank you for not killing me in order to do it. Minnesota, what can I say but, you suck. (Sorry Meagan and Pat) It's not all Minnesota but a majority of it. Minnesota is the abusive spouse of the midwest that is mean to you, breaks your self esteem, tells you what a lousy cook you are, and had sex with your bestman on your wedding night. Where the hell am I going with this...oh yeah, basically Minnesota breaks you down so much you don't know that life is any better. It has a way of thinking this is as good as its going to get so why bother. Any time you try to stand up for yourself, or move out its reight there saying it'll change it can be better. Well Minnesota, you can't. All the Oprahs and Dr. Phils couldn't fix your frozen ass.

Wisconsin your the best buddy from grade school through highschool. Maybe one stayed home while the other went to school but the history is so close you pic up right where you left off. Your comfortable with each other, you don't judge, your home, your family, and a great drinking buddy. That's my Wisconsin.

Idaho, it maybe the honeymoon years, or the start of a beautiful friendship. Time will tell. Where the fuck is this going and what does it all mean. Hopefully you get my jist.

All I know is I'm happy and things can only get better.

Welcome to October, the witching hour...

2008-10-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

Is it possible for there to be more married women in this town. Honestly did every cheerleader and top hot 2% of their class form Boise High or Timberline or where ever, just decide "hmm I'm gonna shack up with this douche bag"?! I don't get it. Then they'll get all dolled up and head downtown to "get away from the kids" (kids could also count for their husband since that fucker is sitting on the couch playing video games with his highschool friends drinking keystone, or he's banging his babysitter.) Or you have these women that just get out of college and mary the MBA guy that makes a shitload of money and they can take an easy job that'll give them some drinking money for them to go out while he works and can buy all the white hats and sparks drinks he wants. What the hell is wrong with or society...

...although...I could be wrong. They could be the most happy couple and be truly in love because that's could be all that really matters things like status, material possesions, looks. Maybe I got it all wrong.

I'm gonna start haning out at the mall, maybe that's the answer. I'll go over to Abercrombie and buy myself a douchebag uniform and head on down to 6th street. If I should come away with any "prospects" I will truly believe there is no god.

the first one

2008-10-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

da.da–noun the style and techniques of a group of artists, writers, etc., of the early 20th century who exploited accidental and incongruous effects in their work and who programmatically challenged established canons of art, thought, morality, etc.

haus-noun the German word for house.

Well here's my first blog. Not quite sure what I'm going to be talking about here, but I know I have a lot going on in my head and it needs to come out some how. You've been warned.